Raw Psychology

DRINKING, DRUGGING & HOW I GOT SOBER

Chapter 1: Worshiping Alcohol
Chapter 2: Drunk Feeling Were the Only Feelings
Chapter 3: Alcohol Conquers the Mind
Chapter 4: Pickled in Alcohol
Chapter 5: Unhappily Unmanageable
Chapter 6: Powerless - The Last Drink

Chapter 1: Worshiping Alcohol

I picked up my first drink at age 15. It was April 10, 1990. I remember the date because it was the first day of Spring Break. The concoction was a mixture with vodka from my parent's liquor cabinet. I drank alone in my room late at night.

Although I drank with other people at times, I never had a social drink in my life. I always ended up intoxicated because I thought that since one drink of this "medicine" made me feel good, then two drinks would make me feel better.

I had three ways of obtaining alcohol when I was that young and I would go to any length to get it. One, was my parents supply that they hardly ever used. I would pour the booze out into a glass and fill the bottle back up with water. It wasn't long before all my parent's liquor bottles had nothing but water in them. So, my second method was to ride my bike to my grandmother's house that was seven miles away. This was also a limited supply because she didn't drink often so she also didn't have much alcohol around. My third option was to make my own wine in my basement. This was awful tasting.

I ended up finding older people to purchase alcohol for me at age 16. For the next four years, I would drive people down to the inner-city neighborhoods so they could get their drugs. I would accept cash or alcohol for the "illegal taxi fare." I did this underground taxi business with enthusiasm, for the thrill at first. Later, I did it with anxiety, for the need of alcohol.

When I drank, all the problems I had were gone. It was like I could turn my mind off. All the anxiety, confusion, worry, and nervousness were gone. More powerful, was the fact that when I was drunk, I didn't care that I had no place to fit in among others. Even in groups, I had always felt isolated. However, with the drink, I could be content in my isolation.

I joined high school sports teams later that same year, which I think is why my alcoholism did not progress beyond the weekends during my mid-teens. The active involvement with a group of guys that I could identify with was a healthy alternative to alcohol and it also cured the problems I mentioned above. However, the drinking was still recorded in my mind as a "quick cure" to my issues. Besides, joining the sports involved effort. I actually had to take the time to get to know people and participate.

Years into the future, I remembered the drink was much faster and easier. But at this time, I would only drink on the weekends. I would have fun going out after the local curfew for minors, then running away from the cops when I was drunk. I got a real kick out of the fact that they couldn't catch me. I did some minor mischief but nothing real bad. I drank every single weekend. Looking back, I now realize that King Alcohol was kind of like my religion. I never thought of it this way back then, but I can now see that I worshiped every weekend and I worshiped well. Alcohol became part of my soul. Alcohol became my spirit.

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worshiping alcohol | drunk feelings
alcohol conquers the mind | pickled in alcohol
unhappily unmanageable | powerless-the last drink