Why Kids Tattle
and What to Do About It
by Elaine M. Gibson
Tattling is Misunderstood
When we bring an adult perspective to this
process of tattling, or telling on someone, we fail
to understand what is going on for the tattler. As
adults, we aren't sure what to do about tattling and
we convey our ambiguity to our children.
- On one hand, we USE the information the
child gives us to correct another child's
behavior or prevent damage to people and
property.
- But on the other hand, we tell the tattler
that tattling is wrong. "Don't be a
tattletale."
Children can't cope with such double
messages.
In the early years, children are not
"ratting" on someone when they turn into
full-time informers. Young children, 2 and 3 years
of age, are beginning to understand that some
actions are acceptable and some or not. This is the
first acceptance of right and wrong.
When a young child (under the age of seven) tells
a parent that someone else did an unacceptable
thing, the child is really coming to the adult for
attention. The child is saying, "I know it is
wrong and I didn't do it, (even though I wanted
to)." The child needs the adult to recognize
this fact. Most adults either say, "Don't be a
tattletale" or they jump all over the offender.
There is a better course of action.
SAY: "I'm glad you are not doing that.
You know better, don't you."
When a young child comes with a "someone is
doing something" story, we can simply respond,
"I'm glad you are not doing that. You know
better, don't you." Adults are always surprised
at how effective this is. Children who do this type
of telling often smile and walk away content that
the adults in charge know how well-behaved they are.
Look before you leap.
If the the "someone who is doing
something" warrants action, the adult needs to
observe long enough to know what is actually going
on before intervening. Relying on the word
of one child against another child leads to nothing
but trouble.
Adults can stop a problem without blaming or
accusing a child. If a child repeatedly comes to
adults with one tattle after the next, the child
wants attention. If the child is noticed only when
tattling, the tattling will increase.
Ignoring can help.
Parents or teachers can decrease the amount of
tattling a child is doing by ignoring the tattling.
When the tattler approaches, it is easy to start a
conversation with the child on any other subject
before the tattling begins. Special efforts should
be made to see that the child gets attention at
other times for appropriate behaviors. Besides
attention, children often NEED adult help.
When tattling is the easy way out.
As a child, it is often easier to have an adult
solve your social problems than to work them out
yourself. If a child constantly comes to adults to
solve problems with other children, the other
children will ostracize the child as a
"tattletale". When children bring adults
their complaints about what other children are doing
to them, careful consideration is required and
questions should be avoided.
Questions to Avoid - Very Important
The worst questions are:
(1) "What happened?"
-- We can only get one side of it, or at best,
each child's slanted perspective.
(2) "Who started it?"
-- Every parent knows that "Not Me" is
responsible for everything.
Listen to Feelings, Not Information
When an upset child brings bad news, an effective
response is to simply pay attention to the child's
feelings and let the child know you understand what
he or she is feeling. Children need understanding
but not pity. Too much comfort and the child will
resist solving his or her own problems.
Instead of interfering in a child's social
problems, we need to convey to the child, "I
know you will work this out. You are capable of
solving your own problems even when it is
difficult." IF some help is required, we can
stimulate the child to think with "What else
could you do?", or "What do you think
should be done?" responsibility should stay
where it belongs, with the child.
We should never say "Don't be a
tattletale" to control a child's tattling.
There are times when children come to adults
because they require help.
- When a child feels threatened, that child
needs adult help, even though it may sound
like tattling.
- When a child is in danger, tattling is never
wrong. "Tattling" has probably
saved the life of more than one child.
- Children should never be afraid to ask an
adult for help because they have been told,
"It is wrong to tattle."
Avoid the Label
We need to stop labeling children as
"tattletales" and pay attention to what
they are really communicating. Tattling is a complex
behavior. We need to use our adult judgment to
respond appropriately in each unique situation. Our
children will all be safer, emotionally and
physically, and they will develop the maturity that
puts an end to the "tattling stage".
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