how to have good sex

Seven Magnificent Sex Tips for Women and Men

BY LANA L HOLSTEIN, MD, Author of: How to Have Magnificent Sex: The 7 Dimensions of a Vital Sexual Connection

1. Bring your sensual, sexual self back into your own "good graces." If you have become discouraged or dejected about your sense of sexual energy, now is the time to consciously resurrect and attend to a positive sexual sense of self. Plan a campaign to validate the sensual in your life by noticing colors, flowers, clothing, and textures that are erotic. You may wish to share these observations with your partner or you could keep your own diary to help remind you that pleasurable, erotic sensations are always available if we just take the time to notice them. As you get ready for bed, review your day and enumerate in your mind the encounters that you have had with the erotic.

2. Make sure you have connected with your own sexual essence. If you are female, have some corner of your day that is devoted to your ideal sense of the feminine. Perhaps that is a bath, perhaps it is a dance in your living room to a favorite song, or perhaps it is totally letting go into a warm hug from your lover. For that moment do not emphasize or even think about the masculine side of you that "gets everything done." If you are male, do something that connects you with your masculine source of energy. Maybe it is a strenuous session of exercise or weight lifting, maybe it is being incredibly focused on the femininity of your woman, or perhaps it is challenging your personal limits in some area of your life. Come to your masculine self with a sense of power and love.

3. Touch your lover every hour. For an entire weekend, whenever the two of you are together, touch your lover every hour. This means a casual brush as you walk past them, or a deep, long, nourishing hug, or of course making love, or a neck or back rub. Amazingly, we forget to energize each other with touch. Becoming more tactile contributes to great sex.

4. Open your heart to your partner. Every day for one week leave your lover a heartfelt message on his or her side of the bathroom mirror. Tell him or her which qualities open your heart. Let your partner know in words what it is you treasure about them. You may even get some notes back on your side of the mirror!

5. Delight your partner with a wild, sexy story. Make up something outrageous, filled with sensual detail, and give your lover only one chapter every night. Or, better yet, begin the tale and then hand over the story to them the next night to be continued. Make it a game of imaginary seduction that only the two of you are in on.

6. Contribute to the sexual power of another. Choose someone of your same sex to empower by letting them know something that you think is beautiful, alluring, strong or positive about them. You may comment on the glossiness of their hair, the beauty of their skin, the fabulous way they move their body when they are walking or dancing. When you do that to a "sister" or a "brother" in a way that is genuinely supportive, they will feel better about themselves and take some of that good feeling home to their sexual mate. You will also enlarge the positive approach to sexuality in the world.

7. Learn about sexuality. Consider sex a worthy subject for study, and begin to look at writings and art from traditions that honored sexuality, such as Tantra. Cultures that incorporate a positive view of sexuality often produced beautiful drawings, great rituals, and a sense of sexuality that takes us to our highest expression of love. Be aware that the most magnificent sex occurs when the body and the heart combine with the soul to achieve an ecstatic, powerful connection.

Last updated: 8/05

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