What Teens Need to Know
Before their Relationship Becomes a Date with Danger
(March 10, 2006) -- For teens inexperienced in the dating world, the
intensity of an
abusive relationship can be mistaken for love. One in three
teens will experience an abusive relationship, but many cases go unreported,
according to a February 2005 study conducted by Northbrook, Ill.,-based Teen
Research Unlimited.
Abusive relationships often aren't recognized by teens for what they are,
some experts say. "The jealousy, controlling and isolation can feel like love,"
says Karen Loving-Bourland, counseling service manager for Women Escaping a
Violent Environment in Sacramento. She warns that it's important for teens to
understand that "jealousy has nothing to do with love. It's a sign of insecurity
and possessiveness."
Dating violence shows up as physical, emotional or sexual
abuse, and many teens are shocked when they realize that the traits of an
abusive relationship sound a little too familiar. "I hear them say, 'Oh my God,
that's so-and-so,' " says Jimena Vasquez, an attorney from Break the Cycle, a
nonprofit organization based in Los Angeles, which works to educate teens about
dating and domestic violence.
The relationship might be their first one, so they don't have anything to
compare it against, Vasquez says. Although experts warn that dating violence can
happen to a person of
either gender or any sexual preference, girls and women in
heterosexual relationships ages 16 to 24 are most likely to experience
dating or
domestic abuse, according to the U.S. Department of Justice. How to spot abuse
in teenage relationships Here are signs to watch for, which experts say indicate
that a relationship may become abusive, for those in and outside of it. What it
looks like (if you're in it):
- He wants to spend an excessive amount of time alone with you and he
encourages you to flake on your friends, ditch school or skip practice. It
can seem like a romantic gesture, but it's not. One partner's insistence on
being the sole focus of the other's time and attention is a key warning sign
of abuse, as the victim is slowly isolated from family, friends and favorite
activities, experts say.
- He scrutinizes every detail of your life, including your friends, your
hangouts and even your wardrobe. His controlling attitude means your cell
phone is constantly in use, since he's always checking up on you. "In the
early stages it gets misread as, 'Well, gosh, they care about me so much,
they care about every little thing I'm doing,' " says Linda Hoos, an
attorney for Break the Cycle. But it's not a measure of his affection, Hoos
says, it's a way to assert his control.
- Even if you've never so much as flirted with another guy since you
started dating, he's
always accusing you of cheating. He often scrolls
through your cell phone, suspicious that you're chatting with other guys.
Signs of extreme jealousy often are indicators of an abusive relationship,
experts say.
- Your relationship's getting way too serious, way too fast. He claims he
can't live without you and threatens to harm himself if you break up with
him. He might also pressure you to have sex.
- He has unrealistic expectations about you and your relationship, and he
criticizes you or makes you feel guilty if you can't achieve his idea of
perfection. Experts say this often causes the victim to assume she's to
blame for the faults in the relationship.
- If he has a history of being abusive in relationships, there's an
increased chance that he'll abuse you. But what's important to watch for is
his attitude about abuse - if he accepts it as a normal part of a
relationship, or defends the use of violence by others, it's likely that he
hasn't changed.
- Remember,
any form of physical abuse isn't normal and shouldn't be
tolerated. What parents and friends should look for:
- She quits a favorite
sport, hobby or other activity, and fills her new free time alone with her
significant other. She cancels on friends or makes excuses for why she can't
go out with them.
- Even in the few moments you can steal her away from her boyfriend, she's
constantly checking in with him and panics when she can't. She's extremely
nervous about upsetting him.
- She's easily startled and appears to be
anxious or on edge at all times. Victims of an abusive relationship often
look "like they're living in a battle zone, because essentially they are,"
says Carl Shubs, a private practice psychologist in Beverly Hills.
- If her boyfriend's erratic behavior is mentioned, she apologizes and
makes excuses for him. Victims often rationalize the abuser's behavior,
saying things like, "Well, (it) makes sense; if I had been home he wouldn't
have gotten mad," says Karen Loving-Bourland, counseling service manager for
Women Escaping a Violent Environment in Sacramento.
- Her boyfriend calls her at all hours of the night, and if she doesn't
answer, he keeps calling, even at 3 o'clock in the morning.
- Look for any major changes in appearance or personality. If she's
wearing different clothes or makeup, has gained or lost a significant amount
of weight, or is suddenly introverted, she may be involved in an abusive
relationship.
- Of course, look for physical signs of abuse - bruises that the victim
may try to cover up with clothes or makeup. Where to go for help:
- It's important to get a third party involved - especially if
you're a friend of someone who's being abused. Experts urge you to
go to a parent or a school counselor; don't try to tackle the
problem on your own.
Source: Sacramento Bee
Last reviewed: 3/2006
Related Information:
top
| abuse news index | home
|
