Articles by Annie

Confrontation:
How I Hate That Word

When I first entered therapy, I remember adamantly telling my therapist and my group leader, “Do not ask me to confront my abusers because I can't and I won't.”

Hearing a fellow survivor say she was going to confront her abuser that week filled me with indescribable terror. “I could never do it,” I stated. I came to hate the word “confrontation.”

That was almost four years ago. Little did I know, that in just five months time, I would be confronting my abusers--not because I wanted to--I had to. I wish I could say it all went well. My intentions were to remind them of what they did to me, let them know I'm suffering because of it, and then tell them I'm willing to work on establishing a better relationship in the future.

I had fantasies of apologies; although inside, I feared the more likely response. I hoped they would hear me out, tell me they loved me, and would walk beside me, helping me anyway they could. I hoped they would acknowledge and do something about the abuse that was continuing to take place in the family. But, like I said, I also dreaded the typical, more likely response.

I never dreamed that just by stating what were facts, and mostly known facts at that, a rippling effect would begin, costing me my relationship with almost every family member I have. I still grieve that loss today.

As the years passed, some of those relationships have been restored, but they're strained. It's been like living in two worlds. One world, where I developed other relationships based on total openness and honesty, and now this one, where I'm still not sure how much honesty and openness will be accepted.

I'm slowly coming to the conclusion that I just have to be me or I'll end up where I was before. Now my family has to learn to accept me as a healthier person. I'm learning to be myself and not fall back on familiar territory with them. I'm working on being honest, even if it hurts. I'm hoping that our relationships can grow and mature. I'm hoping that we can all learn from, and truly be there for, each other. I know my life will be richer having them involved in it and I hope theirs will, too.

During those interim years, there were positive things that helped ease the pain. A family I've known and loved for many years "adopted" me into their family, so I have a sense of belonging. I'm also worked on other relationships.

I can honestly say that I'm healthier. I can see more clearly. I'm not thrown off-balance and set back like I was when those family members were still in my life giving me negative feedback and throwing obstacles in my path.

Confrontation isn't for everyone. If you're considering it, here are a few things I've learned that may be of help to you.

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