The Power of Forgiveness

I approach this subject with much trepidation because in my experience, the issue of forgiveness can cause fear, turmoil, anger, and even further victimization by well-meaning, but ill-informed people who would advise us to forgive and forget. My goal is not to advise, condemn, or bring any further hurt, but to share with you from my heart what I’ve learned about forgiveness in my own recovery process.

Forgiveness can be very frightening, just as anger can be. For some of us, it can take years to face our anger and find expression for it. Once we recognize it, we place it where it belongs (on our abusers), and we become fearful of giving up the power that comes with it. It becomes our life-line, our protector, our friend. We can believe that letting go of it and forgiving will make us vulnerable to being re-victimized, or will discount or minimize what happened to us. We may also see it as letting our abusers “off the hook.”

In my opinion, forgiveness plays just as important a part in our recovery as anger and can be just as empowering. The following are some things I am finding true in my own life about forgiveness.

Forgiveness can only take place when I face the truth.
I thought I had forgiven my abusers. I told myself what they did to me was okay, and that I turned out all right (maybe better) because of it. Did I have a surprise in store! I was in denial—big time. In fact, my beliefs about having to "forgive and forget" only made it more difficult to face the issues in my life, and ultimately set me up to be further abused, and put my children in danger. This kind of forgiveness can be deadly and didn’t help me or my abusers. Until I faced the ugly truth, that my abusers violated me, hurt me, used me for their own pleasure and didn't have my well-being in mind, and that they did not really love me in the way I needed to be loved, and until I’ve faced the damage and the losses, faced the anger and the rage, I cannot totally forgive.

Forgiveness is not letting our abuser(s) “off the hook.” Many times action has to be taken to keep our abuser(s) from abusing us and others.
Forgiveness doesn't mean I have to excuse what was done or what continues to happen, or let them back in my life again. Instead, I can say, “What you did was horrible and has damaged every area of my life; however, I’ve worked through the issues and experienced healing from the effects of the abuse in my life. Although it’s not all right what you have done to me, nor ever will be, I am now alright.”

Forgiveness is, however, realizing I can’t continue to blame them for my present behavior. I must own the responsibility for my choices and actions.

Forgiveness is letting go of the anger, hate, bitterness, and the desire for revenge.
By this I mean the hate, the rage, and all-consuming desire for revenge that eats away at me like a cancer, and will turn me into a bitter old woman. It’s letting go of the anger that no longer serves a purpose in my recovery because I’ve already worked through the self-blame and put it where it belongs, already taken the steps to protect myself and others, and already confronted my abuser(s).

It becomes counter-productive in my life, ultimately taking its toll on my physical and mental health. I don’t want to suffer anymore for what my abusers did to me. I want to be totally free from them, but as long as I hang onto the anger and need for revenge, they'll have power over me. For a time, I may not be able to help having those kinds of feelings, but the time will come when I can give them up—for my own benefit.

Forgiveness will not be complete until my abusers admit what they’ve done, apologize, get the help they need and receive my forgiveness.
In my opinion, this is where the biggest conflict lies. My conclusion is that I can come to a place of letting go and stand ready and willing to forgive should they ask. This is a process that doesn’t happen overnight. If what I, and those around me, have experienced is the norm, most of our abusers will never apologize. They'll never admit to wrong-doing, so we will never experience complete forgiveness in our relationships with them. This makes it difficult to forgive. But even though the forgiveness may never be complete, I can still experience the freedom that comes with the letting go. (I also believe this is a process that has to be repeated over-and-over again as new memories surface, or as my abusers continue to respond inappropriately.)

My beliefs make the process of forgiveness easier.
I don’t believe for one minute that my abusers have gotten away with it. They may “get away with it” in this life, but I believe they will face what they’ve done in the life to come if they don’t repent before then.

I can’t think of anyone better to serve justice than God. I also believe that God is my model for forgiveness in the way he relates to us. He provided a way for us to be forgiven; however, until we recognize that we’ve wronged Him and ask for it, it is not complete. Also, realizing that I have done many things wrong throughout my life—some a result of being abused, but still by my own choice and my responsibility—makes it easier to be gracious and understanding toward them. I believe that even though the abuse was painful and damaging, I am a stronger, more sensitive and creative person having gone through it.

I see forgiveness as one of the final stages of the grieving process (not the first step).
In my own healing process, I don’t think my recovery would be complete without it. Forgiveness empowers me to live the rest of my life in freedom—free from the pain and grief of the past, free to make my own choices and take responsibility for those choices, free to be gracious to myself and others. Through the process of forgiving, I can finally put to rest the people and the events that nearly destroyed my life. They no longer have power over me. Now that’s powerful!

Continue: Forgiveness: The Biblical Way

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