The Male Survivor

by Dr. Doug

The horror of sexual abuse does not affect female victims exclusively. There is an increasing awareness that male survivors of sexual abuse are numerous, and that they struggle with many of the same aftereffects that women experience, plus others that are complex, subtle, and very difficult to resolve. This issue of Survivors Friends spotlights male survivors, with hopes that this recognition will be a source of awareness and that it will encourage male survivors in practical ways.

For various reasons, male sexual abuse is also under-reported. Many do not define abusive actions toward boys as abusive. “Girls get raped, but boys get seduced—and love it,” is a common misconception which complicates the issue and adds to the trauma for male survivors. Many or most therapists “don’t see much evidence of male sexual abuse” because they are not aware of its prevalence, don’t ask questions about it during evaluations, don’t know how to handle it, and are quite uncomfortable or awkward when it does come up.

male sexual abuse under-reported

Another reason that abuse of boys is not widely recognized and not regularly addressed therapeutically is that victims do not see our society as supportive. They very commonly feel all alone as they do not hear their friends, sports celebrities, news media, or nationally recognized figures speaking out about the victimization of males. If a male survivor does try to deal with his experiences, he is often greeted with implications that he is fabricating a story or that he is living in a fantasy world.

In spite of these and other “suppressor factors,” a review of several national research studies indicates that the percentage of sexually abused males is between 2.5 to 16 percent. When the effect of under-reporting is taken into account, one can estimate that as many as one in five boys may suffer abusive sexual experiences—a staggering figure.

Sexual stereotypes not only affect reporting but also the actions of child protective services and therapeutic outcomes as well. When the offender of a boy is a woman, there is often the automatic assumption that the boy ought to feel lucky or happy. Many popular movies even glamorize this as harmless or even helpful to the boy. The truth is that boys, like girls, are not ready for nor capable of handling adult sexuality. Experiences in which the adult is gratified at the child’s expense are confusing, full of fear, damaging to trust, and rob the child of the ability to develop a normal, healthy sexuality.

sexual abuse is more than intercourse

Just as with girls, there are many ways boys can be abused besides direct sexual contact. The following examples have a common theme: the adult is “getting something” by involving the child in some activity or action related to sex. Besides touching a child sexually, or having the child touch the adult sexually, the adult may expose his or her genitals to the child, may show the child pornographic material as a way of trying to encourage the child to copy the behavior shown, photograph the child for sexual purposes, or engage in suggestive, flirtatious, sexualized talk with a child. Under the guise of “educating” the child, an adult who masturbates or has sex within view of a boy is actually behaving in a way to heighten his or her own sexual gratification without regard for its impact on the boy. Walking in on a child while he or she is bathing or undressing is voyeuristic. Some adults get sexual excitement out of hitting, or stripping a child to hit or spank. The list goes on.

Boys who are sexually abused can show the effects of this trauma in many areas of life, including spiritual, emotional, sexual, social, and behavioral. Guilt, shame, and fear are common and pervasive, often being related to under-achievement, unrealistic expectations, lashing out at others, and a chronic, unfulfilled loneliness.

A boy may feel he is worthy of blame or punishment and may hurt himself in any one of a number of self-mutilating or physically harmful ways. Self-inflicted pain can be a punishment, a way to make himself feel more “real,” a distraction, a cry for help, a sign of strength, or a way to “confirm” his own unworthiness. The cascade of negative feelings often results in addictive behaviors, such as drug or alcohol use. These behaviors are used as an escape or as a way to avoid or repress memories or feelings.

According to one scientific study, sexual dysfunctions like premature ejaculation, sexual masochism, sexual sadism, exhibitionism, and impotence are about five times more likely in male abuse victims as in non-victimized males. It is possible that many societal ills, such as rape and abusive relationships, are part of ongoing inter-generational chains in which the sexual abuse of boys is an important link. Acknowledgment of this in no way implies any person cannot or should not be responsible for his or her own behavior. It does imply that male sexual abuse must be taken seriously as a part of the pattern of abuse and victimization in our society.

Increasing awareness of abused boys can only result in more resources for recovery. To be complete, therapy must include assessment, acknowledgment of the extent of the abuse, damage assessment, legitimizing grief work, changing what can be changed and accepting what cannot (and knowing the difference), recovering a sense of strength and personal worth, working through spiritual issues, and coming to a place of acceptance and forgiveness.

If you or someone you know is a male survivor of sexual abuse, now may be the time for action. If you are choosing a therapist or a group, you may email us for a list of questions to ask. We at Survivors & Friends wish you the best on your recovery journey

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