Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited

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Part 11 cont.

7. Forgiving Enemies, Forgetting Friends

Forgiving is an important capability. It does more for the forgiver than for the forgiven. But, to my mind, it should not be a universal, indiscriminate behaviour. I think it is legitimate not to forgive sometimes. It depends, of course, on the severity or duration of what was done to you. In general, it is unwise and counter-productive, in my view, to establish "universal" and "immutable" principles in life. Life is too varied to succumb to rigid principles. Sentences which start with "I never" are either not very credible or, worse, they lead to self defeating, self restricting and self destructive behaviours.

How can the worst enemy suddenly become a friend?

Your friendship must not mean much to you if you give it away so easily and so profusely. Friendship is a gradual thing, based on many trials and errors. It is profound and, at its best, it is nourishing and supportive. How can you get all this from a former worst enemy? And how can you become "instant" friends with anyone, let alone your worst adversary?

Conflicts are an important and integral part of life. One should never seek them out willingly - but when confronted with a conflict, one should not avoid it. It is through conflicts and adversity inasmuch as through care and love that we grow.

Some people will always dislike you. It is inevitable and a good thing it is because it allows you to separate the wheat (your true friends) from the chafe (those who dislike you). That someone dislikes you says a lot about HIM or HER - not necessarily about you. People are not objects to be manipulated. They have their own emotions, opinions, judgements, fears, hopes, dreams, fantasies, nightmares, role models and associations. What are the chances for a perfect fit every time? Nil.

Human relationships are dynamic. We must assess our friendships, partnerships, even marriages periodically. The past is insufficient to sustain a healthy, nourishing, supportive, caring, and compassionate relationship. It is a good pre-condition, perhaps a necessary one - but not a sufficient one. We must gain and regain our friendships on a daily basis. Human relationships are a constant test of allegiance and empathy.

8. Self-Confidence and Real Achievements

This is how we go about life: we find out what we excel at, we develop these talents and gifts, we show the results to people, we secure their appreciation, and this adds to our self confidence. We should be proud of our REAL achievements and qualities. 

9. Communicating Emotions

Impressive "emotional intelligence" is typical of people who were hurt in the past. They are more attuned to the emotional needs of others. But there is a big difference between "being mean" and expressing emotions, even negative emotions. I think you should communicate your emotions. If you are angry you should say so and explain both what made you angry and how it can be avoided in the future. If you are jealous, you should express your jealousy in a constructive way. Suppressed emotions are bad. They are like an untreated infection. They poison you. They are likely to bring about short depressive episodes.

10. Possessive Jealousy

If you have a work of art at home - would you hide it behind a curtain and peak at it only secretly or would you share it with family and friends and maybe with the public?

If you have a friend and you can make her happy - would you still qualify as a friend if you prevented this happiness from her by withholding the knowledge necessary for its attainment?

If you see two imperfections which complement each other and in thus doing can reach perfection - would you not sin by preventing their encounter?

And if all this were to involve an intercourse of the body as well as of the mind - should this technical detail derail your resolve to increase the welfare of others rather to decrease it through greed and envy?

11. Pessimism versus Realism in the Treatment of Narcissists

I personally opt for "realism" rather than "optimism" or "pessimism".

Here are some hard facts which I think could serve as an undisputed basis for discussion:

• There are gradations and shades of narcissism. Lacking grandiosity and possessing empathy are not minor variations. They are serious predictors of future dynamics. The prognosis is much better if they do exist.
• There are cases of spontaneous healing and of "short term NPD" (Gunderson and Roningstam, 1996).
• The prognosis for a classic NPD case (grandiosity, lack of empathy and all) is decidedly not good IF we are talking about LONG TERM and COMPLETE HEALING. Moreover, NPDs are intensely disliked by therapists. 

BUT

• Side effects, associated disorders (such as OCD), and SOME aspects of NPD (certain behaviours, the dysphorias, the paranoiac dimensions, the outcomes of the sense of entitlement, the pathological lying) CAN be modified (using talk therapy and, depending on the problem, medication). We are not talking about SHORT term solutions - but there are partial solutions and they do have long term effects.
• The DSM is billing and administration oriented. It is intended to "tidy" up the psychiatrist's desk. The PDs are ill demarcated, they tend to intermingle and be cross referenced. The differential diagnoses are vaguely defined, to use a gentle understatement. There are some cultural biases and judgements (see the Schizotypal PD). The result is sizeable confusion and multiple diagnoses. NPD was introduced in 1980 (in the DSM III). There isn't enough research to substantiate one view or another. The DSM V might abolish it altogether within the framework of a cluster or a single "personality disorder" diagnosis. As it is, the difference between HPD and somatic NPD is, to my mind, rather blurred in the extreme cases. So, when we discuss the question: "can NPD be healed?" we need to realize than we don't know for sure what is NPD and what constitutes long term healing in the case of an NPD. There are those who seriously claim that NPD is a CULTURAL disorder with a massive societal determinant.

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