Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited

Excerpts from the Archives
of the
Narcissism List

Part 18 cont.

5. The Emergence of the True Self

The old Greek philosophers maintained that nature tolerates no vacuum.

In a life crisis, as you so accurately put it:

"Through the falling away of the false self, we experience the abyss (lack of self). Yet miraculously rising from this symbolic death, the true self, with all it's incredibly powerful, yet underdeveloped, feelings, emerges from the ashes of chaos with renewed life."

The True Self hastens to fill in the void created by the self-annulling False Self. Yet it is frozen, degenerated by decades of inactivity, infantile or at least immature, incapable of competently and adequately dealing with adult situations. This results in feelings of hopelessness, frustration and aggression (the off-spring of frustration).

Presumably, in therapy we strive to achieve two goals:

1. To prevent the resurrection of the False Self aided by the sadistic superego
2. To facilitate the maturation of the True Self by confronting past emotional baggage in a constructive, adult manner.

Sometimes, the life crisis or a life that is a continuous crisis is SO severe, so all-pervasive, so change-inducing - that it is sufficient to foster a spontaneous attainment of these goals. But mostly, professional help - prolonged, sustained, patient, and empathic - is required.

If MOST of the behaviours which constitute NPD were to disappear - then, definitely, I will be freed of my NPD. But these behaviours MUST be replaced by something. My True Self, its emotional correlates and cognitive contents are probably 4 years old.

So, I accept a compromise:

Sam, as I know him IS the NPD and ONLY the NPD. There is nothing else. It pervades ALL the dimensions of his life, all his acts, his intentions, volition, cognition, affect, and intellect. Sam and his NPD are inseparable even more than Humpty and Dumpty.

BUT

There is a kernel of something else (let's call it, the True Self). This acorn seed can develop into a full fledged oak IN LIEU of the full fledged oak now known to me as ME (=my NPD). This can be achieved through therapy, but, at times, it occurs spontaneously.

You see, what people fail to understand (because it IS so outlandish) is that I LOVE my NPD (and, at the same time I hate it - ambivalence is part of every good love affair). It helps me survive, it gets me through the night, it is engulfing, it is reliably there, it is predictable, it is cosily handy, it is rigid - in short: it is everything my parents never were. In this sense, it IS my parent.

The narcissist has no access to his true self. Instead he developed a false self, which he keeps projecting unto others.

Narcissists become self-aware and, in some cases, amenable to change following a major life crisis or a substantial narcissistic injury (divorce, loos of loved one, financial collapse, prison, major illness, etc.)

6. Bonding with "God"

To "bond with God" as you call this highly personal experience - the narcissist must first embark on the path of healing, of discovering his self, his person.

If the narcissist learns to love himself, he can learn to love another.

If he cannot love himself, he can love no one, "God" included.

NPD is a very rigid PD. 

NPDs do not search for the truth. Their essence is the DENIAL of truth.

If they begin to search for the truth, it is usually in order to impress others and extract narcissistic supply from them (attention, commiseration, emotions which can then be leveraged and manipulated, etc.).

But, as I said, a life crisis or a life that is in continuous crisis often lead to self awareness in NPDs.

7. Group Sex as seen by the Narcissist

There are three types of orgies.

There is the "we are so intimate" group sex. People are so drawn to each other intellectually and emotionally that they cannot contain the flow of empathy, compassion - love, really. So, they express their unity through sex. In such group sex, all boundaries are blurred. The participants flow into one another, they feel as extensions of a much larger organism, eruptions of protoplasmic desire to be within each other. It is absolute, unmitigated, uninhibited immersion and enmeshment.

Then there is the "we are such strangers". This is the most promiscuous, wild, ecstatic, insane type of orgy. A kaleidoscope of flesh and semen and pubic hair and sweat and feet and wild eyes and penises and orifices of all measure. Until it is all over in an orgiastic cry. Usually, following the initial frenzy of devouring each other, small groups (twosomes, threesomes) retire and proceed to make love. They get intoxicated by the smells and the fluids and the bizarreness of it all. It slowly peters out in a benign sort of way.

Lastly, there is the "we couldn't help it" thing. Aided by alcohol or drugs, the right music or videos - the participants, mostly unwilling but fascinated - slip into sex. They tumble in fits and starts. They withdraw only to return forced to by a mighty curiosity. They make love hesitantly, shyly, fearfully, almost clandestinely (though in full view of all the others). This is the sweetest kind. It is depraved and perverted, it is painfully arousing, it heightens one's sensation of oneself. It is a trip.

Group sex is NOT an extrapolation of pair sex. It is not normal sex multiplied. It is like living in three dimensions after being confined to a bi-dimensional, flat existence. It is like finally seeing in colour. The number of physical, emotional, and psychosexual permutations is mind boggling and it does boggle the mind. It is addictive. It permeates one's consciousness and consumes one's memory and one's desires. Thereafter one finds it hard to engage in one-on-one sex. It looks so boring, so lacking, so partial, so asymptotically craving for perfection...

Sometimes (not always) there is a "moderator". His/her (usually his) function is to "arrange" the bodies in "compositions" (very much like old quadrille dances).

8. Overt and Covert

OVERT actions can be compared to tips of icebergs. They continue in a COVERT, latent, forms even more vigorously than they do above surface. Earthquakes are preceded by tectonic shifts. Volcanoes erupt after the bulk of the volcanic activity is actually over underground.

9. Oh, God

We are all hostages of a narcissist, a master of manipulation, an embodiment of the principle of evil.
Some of us prefer to embrace our captor and collaborate with Him, Vichy style.
They are the religious.
Others engage in a futile, life-long battle against Him.
They are the atheists.
He exploits the former and destroys the latter.
Narcissists like me - here lies His real and only challenge, the seed of His only and humiliating failure.
We simply ignore Him. Not because He matters to us - but because NO ONE and NOTHING really matters to us.
Sometimes WE use HIM to obtain narcissistic supply - and then discard him.
And there is nothing He can do about it.
Except eat His heart out.
Bon apetit.

PS: The third kind, mine, call themselves agnostics and are often called by others "The Devil". Scott Peck identified narcissists as evil incarnate, the People of the Lie. We are not par of any theology. We are simply narcissists ...
(strikes a match off left horn, arranges forked tail comfortably).

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