Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited

Excerpts from the Archives
of the
Narcissism List

Part 19 cont.

4. Leaving a Narcissist

You have a choice: you can either have justice - or be wise.

It is true that the predictor of future violence is past violence and, therefore, if he didn't beat you in the past, he is, probably, not likely to do so in the future.

But "your" narcissist is, perhaps, afflicted with other mental problems and substance abuse.

I would inform him, in his next phone call, that, out of courtesy, you let him know that this is the last phone call you are responding to. You will ignore any further attempt to communicate with you. Don't threaten. Be factual and MEAN what you are saying, be convincing.

Tell him that you would not like to ever see him again OR hear from him again and that - if he promises to let go - you promise to let go and forget the whole thing.

Needless to say that if he does stalk you - you should contact the Police.

5. Cognitive Distortions and the Narcissist

Narcissists are pathological liars (sometimes absolutely unnecessarily).

Narcissists suffer from severe cognitive distortions. No narcissist will admit that he has been rejected. They regard themselves as so wonderful, unique, irresistible - that they block out any information to the contrary.

They employ both negative filters (which keep out information which contradicts their False Self). But they also employ positive-enhancing filters. These filter in information congruent and commensurate with the narcissist's distorted and false image of himself AND amplify, enhance, or strengthen the information thus accepted.

In other words, if the narcissist believes himself to be sexually irresistible - he ignores and represses any behaviour by others and anything said to him which would contradict this belief. On the other hand and concurrently, he collects all the behaviours, reactions, responses and cues - verbal or not - that tend to affirm and confirm his self image.

And, then he proceeds to MAGNIFY the latter.

Example:

If a girl tells him: "I am not really interested in having a relationship with you, I am happy with my boyfriend" - this is ignored, erased, repressed, and deleted. The narcissist vehemently denies that this has ever been said and will be genuinely surprised if proof to the contrary (e.g., recording) were to be produced.

If the same girl accepts his invitation to grab a snack during lunch break - the narcissist inflates her acceptance into full scale enthusiasm and a natural reaction to his own irresistibility. In his imagination, her acceptance is tantamount almost to actually having had sex with her.

Nothing to do with narcissists but get away from them.

Narcissists are very charming and enticing. They have a lot of goodies to offer to their satellites: illusions of grandeur, a bright future, promotion, perfection, brilliance, unending love, power, an outlet to their vile, negative emotions, a licence to meanness and pettiness, the pleasures of nihilism. Co-dependents (including the Inverted Narcissist variety - see FAQ 66) are natural prey to the narcissist-predator.

The narcissist's is a corrupt kingdom of emotional wheeling-dealing, back-stabbing, double dealing, and double crossing. The narcissist subliminally, covertly and overtly, bribes the members of his entourage, moulds them, corrupts them, mutates them, exploits, abuses, and wields over them the threat of being discarded.

These temptations are hard to resist. These threats are hard to ignore.

He offers the same commodities to his superiors. The same bait is used to get the big fish as well as the smallest. A consummate fisher of souls, the narcissist.

6. Sexual versus other Forms of Abuse

Sexual abuse is FUNDAMENTALLY different to other forms of abuse. Indeed, the psychopathological reactions and defences to sexual abuse usually coalesce into BPD or DID (borderline personality disorder or dissociative identity disorder). NPD is very rare as a reactive pattern in cases of sexual abuse - though narcissistic traits very often co-appear with BPD.

7. The Narcissist and his Dead Ones

The narcissist's reaction really depends on the nature of the relationship between the narcissist and the deceased. If the deceased was a major source of narcissistic supply - the result is a major narcissistic injury. Such injury often leads to sudden, agonizingly illuminating, self-awareness, followed by a quest to alleviate the excruciating, life threatening, pain. Suicidal ideation is followed by panic. The narcissist will consider and do ANYTHING to get rid of the ominous sense of being voided and annihilated - including go to therapy.

This set of reactions is also observed following a divorce. The vanishing of an important (sometimes exclusive) source of NS is a very frightening experience.

If the deceased was a minor source of supply, or none at all - the narcissist is likely not to react to the unfortunate event and to go on with his routine, to pursue his sources of NS, his petty squabbles, etc. Interestingly, the narcissist is likely to react in the same manner (that is, not to react, to ignore) to the death of someone who has occupied a special position in his life either as a source of supply or emotionally in his PAST - and ceased to do so at present. The narcissist tries to avoid the pain of memory, the grief, and the mourning by doing what he knows best: repressing, suppressing, lying, pretending. This time - to himself.

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