Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited

Excerpts from the Archives
of the
Narcissism List

Part 5

1. Jeffrey Satinover on the Myth of Narcissus

This second version of the Narcissus legend was first told by Pausanias. Jeffrey Satinover in his excellent essay "Puer Aeternus - The Narcissistic Relation to the Self" (he is a Jungian) elaborates:

"The core of Puer (=eternal adolescent - SV) relationships is this: the puer seeks relationships that provide him the kind of reflection he is unable to perform for himself. What appears as extroversion in the puer is not that at all. In effect, the puer does not relate to objects (in the analytic sense); he relates instead to a missing part of himself which he either sees in another or makes another perform. Objects function for the puer primarily as an indirect means of introversion.
(Here Satinover quotes Pausanias and proceeds:)
If we take this myth simply as a reflection of the puer's anima problem, we see right away that he seeks not so much his mother as, through the anima, himself."

2. Pathological Envy

Pathological envy is a strong motive in narcissism. Additionally, to cast themselves in the role of "master" (Jeffrey Satinover's term), narcissists cast others in the roles of disciples. They transform others into patients, assigning to themselves the role of psychiatrist. And so on. Actually, they firmly and fully believe that they are working towards the improvement and personal betterment and welfare of the other (I call it: the "mobilization" of their motives and behaviour). This is why they are shocked when these others "ungratefully" rebel, release themselves from the straight jacket of their assigned "roles" and confront them. They are narcissistically injured to the core when this happens and react with rage and paranoia. It only serves to enforce their belief in an unjust world, far inferior and oblivious to their talents and contributions.

3. Narcissism as Self-Definition

"Victim of a narcissist" is a label that does NOT capture the entirety of the person being thus labeled. But this does not apply to narcissism and by extension to other personality disorders (my view). Being a narcissist DOES capture my ENTIRE existence and being. It permeates every one of my cells. As the DSM so aptly puts it, it is "all pervasive". I experience my illusions of grandeur, for instance, on a second by second basis. I don't have a personality - I have a personality disorder. My very personality is disordered. Every aspect, nook and cranny of my personality is disordered. Can we separate the crookedness of a tree from the tree? No, it is a crooked tree. A personality is not like having a tumor, it is like being a tumor. There are developmental reasons why I say this

(see: http://narcissism.cjb.net/faq64.html ).

4. Narcissistic Ups and Downs

Narcissists do have highs reminiscent of those induced by drugs and associated with the obtaining of narcissistic supply. Recent research shows that narcissists do experience periods of "ego dystony" (feeling bad about themselves, their behavior and what they do to others). But their defense mechanisms are so trained, their personality so rigid - that they revert immediately to their previous existence. I write a lot about narcissistic dysphorias (dysphoria is like a less pervasive depression) in my book and in my websites.

5. Narcissists and the Order of the World

We are conditioned to believe in law, order, justice, cause and effect, and a host of other principles which make our mental world inhabitable. The narcissist replicates the treatment that he received earlier in life. He is unduly and destructively critical, arbitrary, capricious, sadistic and fluctuates between TOTAL idealization and TOTAL devaluation with no apparent cause.

Sometimes we try to decipher the patterns even in a natural catastrophe. We ask who is to blame, why, who is responsible. We address God, Nature, Science, the Government. A narcissist is a natural catastrophe brought about by a human being. We have an identifiable person, entity to blame. And we demand to know why. Until we are satisfied that the world is a safe, predictable place - how can we continue to live in it? This is the "achievement" of the narcissist: to demonstrate to us that there is no justice, or order, that there are no laws, it's all an arbitrary and cruel game. We have to cope with this (his) worldview, not only with him.

6. Devaluing the Significant Other

Regarding women with whom the narcissist is "intimate" (as he defines intimacy): a woman CAN be a source of PRIMARY NS - IF and only as long as no intimacy is involved. The moment intimacy - however thwarted and distorted - sets in, the woman is transformed into a source of secondary supply and, thereby, devalued.

Just a reminder:

Primary Narcissistic Supply (NS) - adulation, adoration, attention, affirmation, approbation derived by the narcissist from others (narcissistic supply sources). I wrote dozens of pageson the mechanisms of identification of sources and the derivation of NS thereof.

Secondary Narcissistic Supply - the retention, accumulation, amplification and reflection of PAST primary NS. This helps the narcissist to regulate his narcissistic supply and its ebbs and flows. The source is considered inferior and is often devalued. It is devalued REGARDLESS of objective reality. Even a strong, sexy and highly intelligent woman will be devalued because of her function in the narcissist's universe: a secondary, devaluing function. One cannot hold an instrument in high regard.

7. Should the Narcissist be Held Accountable for his Actions?

I think that the narcissist should be held accountable for most of his actions. The list of what he should NOT be held accountable to is shorter: his rage and his grandiose fantasies. These are two exceptions which could allow us to make the rule clearer.

The narcissist CANNOT control his rage and, therefore, should not be held accountable for it. BUT, if he attacks someone physically, he should be held accountable because:

1. He can tell right from wrong.
2. He simply didn't care about the other person sufficiently to refrain from action.

Similarly, the Narcissist cannot "control" his grandiose fantasies. He firmly believes that they constitute an accurate representation of reality. BUT, if he lies about his education, he should be held accountable because:

1. He knows that lying is wrong and should not be done.
2. He simply didn't care enough about society and others to refrain from doing so.

Narcissists should be held accountable for most of what they do because they can tell wrong from right AND they can refrain from taking the actions they do take. They simply don't care enough about others to put to good use these twin abilities. A narcissist can be held responsible for some of his actions because he can tell right from wrong and can control most of his actions. He simply doesn't care to do so. Others are not important enough to him.

8. Narcissists Getting Tired of their Sources of Supply

There is no mathematical formula which governs this. It depends on numerous variables. Usually, the narcissist persists in the relationship until he "gets used" to the source and the its stimulating effects wear off OR until a better source of supply becomes available.

9. Narcissists Put on a Show Regarding their "Emotions"?

Well, yes, except some basic, primitive emotional modalities, transformations of aggression: rage, pathological envy, hate, sadistic pleasure, masochistic pleasure, fear.

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