Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited

Excerpts from the Archives
of the
Narcissism List

Part 7

1. Can Narcissists be Cured?

Narcissists can rarely be cured. A fact. In the early 19 80's therapists thought otherwise (Lowen, 1983). They were wrong. Now we have epidemiology and statistics. Therapists have been fooled by smart narcissists and most narcissists are smart and chameleon- or Zelig- like, so they learn how to deceive the therapist. You can see it very often in prison.

Why fight windmills? As in Judo, I use my weaknesses and the enemy's strengths against it.

I am saying: "I have tendencies that hurt people. Very bad. I will find ways to use these very tendencies to help people. Very good".

2. My Shame

I envy you for being able to identify the exact sources and realms of your shame.

My shame was all-pervasive. I virtually drowned in it, suffocating, suffused by it. I was not only ashamed at my incompetence (athletic, social). I was ashamed at my body, deficiencies, lack of social skills. I was ashamed at my parents, my neighbourhood, my ethnic background, my socio-economic status, the quality of my possessions. I was pathologically envious as a result and I started on my way to full blown NPD because of this shame (and abuse/trauma).

I remember the exact moments and dynamics of overcoming my shame. I consciously developed my personality disorder, it seems to me in retrospect. My grandiose fantasies were first elaborated cognitively and then assimilated (emotionally?). I invested a great effort at mimicking others to the point of becoming indistinguishable from them. Like a Trojan horse my aim was first to penetrate the walls of shame, so that later I would be able to feed my entitlement, my grandiosity and to impose my idiosyncrasies on others from the inside.

I still am a believer in the transforming power of shame and in its central role in the formation of personality disorders. I think it is not only an integral but a crucial part of any childhood abuse.

I can't discuss the sociological dimensions much. But from corresponding with literally thousands of self-designated and expertly-diagnosed narcissists and with their victims I can safely identify the role of shame in the psychodynamics of pathological narcissism. 

3. Luring a Narcissist

Narcissists are drug addicts and the name of the drug is narcissistic supply (NS). Give a narcissist NS and he will do ANYTHING for it. Now, you must be creative and think HOW and WHAT can you offer to him. Also, can you fake, WILL you fake? You can tell him you need him, for instance. This is very pure NS, it is gratifying. In the personal, fantastic mythology of the narcissist, this is olympic victory over the bad, humiliating guy (you). You can make him a collaborator in a "conspiracy". There is any number of ways to make a deal with a narcissist. Your currency in the transaction is his NS.

4. The Enemy

Narcissism is partly a reactive formation, a complex of intertwined defense mechanisms, a network of survival tactics. One develops narcissism because the alternative is death (slow or fast). Death from emotional starvation, pain, abuse, and trauma. These negative emotions coupled with the negative events that fostered them sink and accumulate in one's spiritual veins, a sediment leading to the emotional infarct called "narcissism".

Without my narcissism, I am not only naked - I am a fetus. I am exposed to bursts of hurt that stand an excellent chance of eliminating me altogether, emotionally, perhaps physically. My narcissism is functional, it is adaptive, it helps me breathe. By denying and repressing my SELF, I deny and suppress my biggest enemy.

I have seen the enemy - and it is I.

5. Victim or Survivor?

Although the prognosis is encouraging, the appropriate term is "victim" and not anything else. Or maybe "surviving victim". Living with a narcissist is the equivalent of enduring a natural catastrophe (like a hurricane). Leaving him is surviving a natural catastrophe. But the narcissist has a mind, a consciousness, intentions. He can control many of his behaviors. So, he victimizes and the survivors are also victims. The narcissist victimizes by contempt, humiliates by indifference, subjugates by fear, and conditions by alternating between idealization and devaluation.

Did you see "Good Will Hunting"? Robin Williams, the therapist, clasps Will's shoulders, looks him in the eyes, and repeats a mantra of healing, ever softly but firmly: "You are not guilty" (until Will breaks into tears).

6. Narcissists as Drug Addicts

Narcissists are drug addicts. Their drug is called "narcissistic supply". They will do ANYTHING to obtain it, both morally acceptable and morally reprehensible. Give him his supply and he will read about narcissism enthusiastically and incessantly. Be creative. For instance: tell him that you NEED him to EXPLAIN to you about narcissism. You have been trying to understand this complex concept by yourself and failed. Think of other ways to boost his supply. Believe me, with the proper inducement he will become a world expert on pathological narcissism and I will be out of a job ... :o((

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