Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited

THE WORKINGS OF A NARCISSIST
A PHENOMENOLOGY

Chapter 3

page 1

We all face a choice: we can become horizontal expanders or vertical climbers.

We can either select a profession, a vocation, an avocation, a geographic region, a spouse, a lifestyle, stick to them and climb up the proverbial ladder. This calls for incessant studies, specialisation, focused energy, in depth involvement. Such people are the achiever types.

The alternative is to frequently change professions, travel, accumulate experiences and encounters with people and with landscapes, to amass memories. In short, to learn a little about a lot. The price to pay: lack of socially recognised achievements.

Most narcissists belong to the second type in most fields of their life. They often maintain one island of stability (for instance, their marriage or career) – but other realms of their life are highly unstable. To invest hard work and study in depth and laboriously is to admit that one is deficient, less than omniscient and omnipotent. To cope with difficulties and to be a narcissist is a contradiction. Narcissists cannot delay gratification. They are creatures of the here and now, because they judge themselves to be all deserving. When forced to specialise or persist – they develop a feeling of stagnation and death. It is not the result of a choice – rather, it is a structural constraint. This is the way a narcissist is built, this is his modus operandi, and his vacillating style of life and array of activities, are written into his operations manual.

A direct result of this is that a narcissist cannot form a stable marital relationship, reasonably devote himself to his family, maintain an on going business, reside in one place for long, dedicate himself to a profession or to a career, complete academic studies, or accumulate material wealth. Narcissists are often described as unstable, unreliable, unable to undertake long-term commitments and obligations, or to maintain a job, or a career path. The narcissist's life is characterised by jerky, episodic careers, relationships, marriages, and domiciles. He is volatile, flexible, and ephemeral.

Hitherto we have touched upon the less malignant dimensions. A narcissist is possessed of a low self-esteem. In public, the narcissist presents himself as the quintessential winner. But deep inside, he judges himself to be a good-for-nothing loser, a permanent, irreversible failure. He hates himself for being so and he constantly envies everyone around him for various reasons.

His discontent is often transformed into depression.

Unable to love himself – the narcissist is unable to love another. He regards and treats people as though they were objects: exploits and discards them. He mistreats people around him by asserting his superiority at all times, by being emotionally cold or absent, by constant bickering, verbal humiliation, incessant (mostly unjust) criticism, by provoking uncertainty and by actively rejecting or ignoring them. All his interpersonal relationships are deformed and sick. The longer the relationship – the more it is tinted by the pathological hue of narcissism. In his marriage, the narcissist recreates the conflicts with his Primary Objects. He is immature in every walk of marriage, sex included. He would tend to select the wrong partners or spouse.

He would do everything to lead to the fulfilment of his greatest horror: being deserted. Even the staunchest supporters and lovers ultimately abandon him.

The narcissist then experiences the horrifying complete breakdown of his defences. He then, naturally, feels lonely – but his loneliness is of the existential, almost solipsist type. The whole world seems unreal to him, possessed of a nightmarish quality. He feels disproportionately guilty and assumes all the burden of blame, allocating none to his partner. Those moments may be the only occasions in which he is in touch with his emotions – an experience the narcissist is trying to avoid all his life and at all costs to his mental health. Learning the truth about his emotional infirmity – the narcissist often entertains suicidal ideation. He cannot countenance deforming his body, so he is inclined to use sleeping pills. But, soon enough, the narcissist recovers and escapes to a new psychosexual liaison. Another toy, another object of gratification will have entered his world. His emotional wounds are shallow and they heal fast. Only the wounds to his Ego leave scar tissue behind, a reminder ignored as often as the narcissist can.

Because he is detached from his self, the cerebral narcissist tends to ignore his body altogether – or to idolise it.

He may indulge in smoking, drugs, unhealthy (or even medically forbidden) nutrition, a total lack of physical exercise. He may deteriorate to sickness for most of his life and treat himself only when and if it is absolutely inevitable.

The somatic narcissist worships his body, cultivating it like a rare flower, feeding it a special diet, refraining from any hint of bodily malpractice. Such a narcissist wastes hours inspecting himself in mirrors and applying a myriad of lotions, creams and medicines to his precious temple.

But most narcissists are "cerebral" – not physical.

A narcissist always prefers his image to his self. He goes a long way towards inventing himself, lying if needed, believing his own lies where expedient. Reality itself loses its grip on the narcissist's wished (instead of real) biography. To maintain this spectre, he resorts to chronic, pathological, misrepresentations and non-truths ("pseudologica fantastica"). He tries to compulsively replicate this invented image by attaining mass publicity and celebrity. Like any other obsessive-compulsive act, it never is enough and does not make the narcissist happier by any lasting measure. The interesting thing is that when faced with the choice, the narcissist always prefers his invented self to his true one. He directs the publicity at that figment of his imagination – and not at what he really is.

The narcissist engages in a host of self-defeating behaviours. He might, for instance, gamble and lose all his possessions, time and again. Ironically, this lands him in economic uncertainty – which is what he dreads and loathes most. He might compulsively shop and collects totally unneeded gadgets or objects. These two behaviours together – gambling and compulsive shopping – result in great personal financial instability. He seems always to be in debts and harried – no matter how much money he makes. This, sometimes, is compounded by frequent changes of profession and by a lack of the pursuit of a stable career. Some narcissists, though, are to be at the top of their profession – and earn the money, which goes with such a professional status.

Money is not the narcissist's only compulsion. Many narcissists are inordinately orderly and clean. They may be addicted to intellect and knowledge, to maximal utilisation of time, to any strange outcome of an obsessive streak. Some suffer from compulsive ticks and more complex repetitive, ritualistic movements. They might even become criminally compulsive, kleptomaniacs, for instance.

Narcissists are very misleading. They are possessed of undeniable personal charm and, usually, of sparkling intellect. Other people tend to associate these traits with maturity, authority and responsibility.

As far as narcissists are concerned, this association is a grave mistake. The Dorian Grays of this world are eternal children, immature, irresponsible, morally inconsistent (and in certain areas of life – morally non-existent). They actively encourage the formation of expectations – only to disappoint. They lack many adult skills and tend to rely on people around them to make up for these deficiencies. That people will obey and comply is taken for granted and as a birth right of the narcissist. At times the narcissist socially isolates himself, exuding an air of superiority and expressing disdain or adopting patronising attitudes. At times he verbally lashes those closest to him. Yet the narcissist forever and under all circumstances expects total allegiance, loyalty, and submissiveness.

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