Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited

THE SOUL OF A NARCISSIST
THE STATE OF THE ART

Introduction

page 4

There emerges a portrait of a monster, a ruthless and exploitative person. But this is only the phenomenological side. Inside, the narcissist suffers from a chronic lack of confidence and is fundamentally dissatisfied.

On the outside, his is a vicissitudinal nature. This is far from reflecting the barren landscape of misery and fears that constitutes his soul. His tumultuous behaviour covers up for a submissive, depressed interior.

How can such contrasts coexist?

Freud [1915] offered a trilateral model of the human psyche, composed of the Id, the Ego and the Superego.

According to Freud, the narcissists are dominated by their Ego to such an extent that the Id and Superego are neutralised. Early in his career, Freud believed narcissism to be a normal developmental phase between autoeroticism and object-love. Later on, he concluded that the development cycle can be thwarted by the very efforts we all make in our infancy to develop the capacity to love an object. Some of us, thus Freud, fail to grow beyond the phase of self-love in the development of the libido. Others refer to themselves and prefer themselves as THE objects of love (instead of their mothers).

This choice – to concentrate on the self – is the result of an unconscious decision to give up an unrewarding effort to love others and to trust them.

The child learns that the only one he can trust to always and reliably be available – is he. Therefore, the only one he can love without being abandoned or hurt – is again he. Meaningful others were inconsistent in their acceptance of the child and the only times they paid attention to him were when they wished to satisfy their needs. They tended to ignore him when these needs were no longer pressing or existent. So, the child learned to side-step deeper relationships in order to avoid this approach-avoidance pendulum. Protecting himself from hurt and from abandonment, he would rather not have anything to do with people around him. He digs in – rather than spring out.

As children, all of us go through this phase of disbelief. We all put people around us (=the objects) to a test. This is the "primary narcissistic stage". A positive relationship with one's parents or caregivers (=Primary Objects) secures the smooth transition to "object love". The child forgoes his narcissism. This is tough: narcissism is alluring. It is very soothing, warm and dependable. It never lets one down. It is always present and omnipresent. It is custom tailored to the needs of the individual. To love oneself is to have the perfect lover. Good reasons and strong forces are required to motivate the child to give it up – "parental love". The child progresses in order to be able to love his parents. If they are narcissists – they go through the idealisation (over-valuation) and devaluation cycle. They do not reliably satisfy the ever-present needs of the "child". In other words, they frustrate him. He gradually develops the sensation that he is no more than a toy, a tool to provide his parents with satisfaction, means to an end. This deforms the budding Ego. The "child" forms a strong dependence (as opposed to attachment) on his parents. This dependence is really a reflection of fear, the mirror image of aggression, as we shall see later. In Freud-speak (psychoanalysis) we say that the child is likely to develop accentuated oral fixations and regressions. In plain terms, we are likely to see a lost, phobic, helpless, raging child.

But a child is still a child and his relationship with his parents is of ultimate importance to him.

He, therefore, fights himself and tries to defuse his libidinal and aggressive sensations and emotions. This way, he hopes to rehabilitate the damaged relationship (which never really existed – hence the primordial confabulation, the mother of all future fantasies). In his embattled mind, he transforms the Superego into an idealised, sadistic parent-child. His Ego becomes the complementing part in this imaginary play of invented roles: a hated, devalued child-parent.

The family is the mainspring of support of every kind. It mobilises psychological resources and alleviates emotional burdens. It allows for the sharing of tasks, provides material supplies coupled with cognitive training. It is the prime socialisation agent and encourages the absorption of information, most of it useful and adaptive.

This division of labour between parents and children is vital both to development and to proper adaptation. The child must feel, in a functional family, that he can share his experiences without being defensive and that the feedback that he is likely to get will be open and unbiased. The only "bias" acceptable (often because it is consistent with constant outside feedback) is the set of beliefs, values and goals that are finally internalised by the child by way of imitation and unconscious identification. So, the family is the first and the most important source of identity and emotional support. It is a greenhouse where a child feels loved, accepted and secure – the prerequisites for the development of personal resources. On the material level, the family should provide the basic necessities (and, preferably, beyond), physical care and protection and refuge and shelter during crises.

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