Shame's Page

Indeed, I have been wicked from my birth, a sinner from my mother's womb.

Psalm 51 verse 6

I am little, and I just want to hide so no one will see how bad I am. I want to destroy anyone who thinks they are good. Hurts too much when it turns out not to be true. I can feel the badness when I was a baby--need need need need.

My big one has been happy because she believes she is learning to trust the insiders. And she was proud of me for talking and for knowing that I have the right to my feelings. But I don't think she really understands how black it is here. Or maybe I am scared she isn't trying to rescue me anymore (tell me that I am not bad), even though I don't want to be rescued. Even I am scared of looking at all the bad stuff. I don't want to remember. But I know it was bad because I am bad.

This is an edited transcript of a conversation I had on chat. We hope <m> doesn't mind us using her words. We are no longer in contact with her so we have tried really hard to make it anonymous:

<m> me baad

<pam_in_SC> bad inside or outside?

<m> me bad everywhere

<pam_in_SC> somebody make you feel bad, m?

<m> me born bad

<pam_in_SC> I felt that real bad Wed. because of ch*rch

<J> i don't think you're bad, m.

<m> :(

<pam_in_SC> one thing that helped me was to feel that the one who is full of shame has the right to her feelings too. can you find something that accepts you, m, like the rain or the sun?

<m> :(

<pam_in_SC> m, you have helped me. I wasn't listening to the one inside me who feels she was born bad. But she hears you, and now I need to listen to her.

<m> dos she hear me???

<pam_in_SC> I'm going to try to let her talk, but I'm going to stop and write it in a safer place if it is too much.

*** pam_in_SC is now known as pam-shame

<m> hihi :( you feel bad too?

<pam-shame> the blackness is so thick

<m> :(

<pam-shame> "I am a sinner from my mothers womb"--that was just what I feel but the big one said there was space for me! how old are you?

<m> me 14

<pam-shame> we have one who is 17 who feels bad, and she want to do bad things.

<^f^> there is space for everyone pam-shame...m...even if you feel bad...

<pam-shame> I am littler, and I just want to hide so no one will see. I started to write that I am old enough to know better, and that made me mad--who told me that? do you want to do bad things, m?

<m> somtimes wanna prove how bad me be. hate it when people tell me me not bad cause they lyin.

<pam-shame> I wish we could run away together

<m> other people inside body want me go away anyway

<pam-shame> it is hard for them, but you deserve space too. sometime you might want to read what Pam-Map wrote about wanting to be bad.

<m> no me don. me wanna run away an they want me run away

<pam-shame> but you are here. has your big one told anyone about you? you are important.

<m> wish we cud just disappear. :( bye

<pam-shame> you have helped me, m--I wouldn't have talked without you. are you crying, m?

<m> doin bad things

<pam-shame> is there someone inside who will protect you?

<m> :(

<pam-shame> my big one is worried about you staying safe. she asks if your big one has a therapist.

<m> me hate thrpist

<pam-shame> can you write him/her a letter about how much you hate him/her?

<m> me jus tel him and leave.

<m> hoping he will hate me too someday.

<m> wanna destroy everything.

<pam-shame> just a minute, let me tell my big one to simmer down. yes, particularly destroy anyone who thinks they are good. hurts too much when it turns out not to be true. but my big one's therp let me be angry at him and it didn't destroy him.

<m> me hate therpist.

<pam-shame> does he punish the big one when you hurt the body?

<m> me knows therpists arent supposed to get mad at me cause he dosn think we be person.

<pam-shame> well you and I know we are people, so there!

<m> therpists don't show their feelings cause they think that's bein professional.

<m> me want him to be mad at me.

<pam-shame> you want him to see how bad you are?

<m> yes. he wont get mad at me only cause hejust think we be bunch of crazy things.

<pam-shame> can you write out all the ways you are bad? words instead of hurting the body? sorry, that came partly from the big one. can you write on paper all the story of doing bad things? I want to write my bad on the web! what bad things does he believe?

<m> me born bad.

<pam-shame> born bad and that made people do bad things? That is how I feel!

<m> he askd me why me born bad and me said bad bad bad bad bad part of father an bad bad bad bad bad bad bad part of mother went into my gene and thats why me born bad

<pam-shame> the adult says--hey that is better than original sin. sorry.

<m> dont say sorry -- whoever is sayin it.

<pam-shame> I can feel the badness when I was a baby--need need need need.

<m> me throw things away an burn things and break things.

<m> :( me bad. cant help it cause me born bad :(

<pam-shame> I'm glad you throw things away, not throw you away. I like having someone to talk to who is like me. who doesn't tell me I am wrong to think I am bad.

<m> some peopl say that

<pam-shame> lots of people say that!

<m> nodnodnod

<pam-shame> but they can't tell me what to feel!

<m> to me its not jus "the thinking pattern"... its FACT an its been proven.

<pam-shame> I wish you didn't have to keep proving it.

<m> they need to accept it first.

<pam-shame> you said it exactly right! my big one gave me a special space, and that made me proud.

<m> whatz special space?

<pam-shame> we have a box with drawers, and I have one all my own. And a page of the web site.

<m> that be good idea. drawers an web site.

<pam-shame> it was a big way for my big one to give us space to do the pages on asarian. she had to share her stuff. Will you be my friend? I'm so excited about having a friend like me!

<m> me stil feelin... you gonna hate me cuz me bad :(

<pam-shame> but I'm bad too, so why should I hate you?

<not_maire> aaaaahhhh so bad people get along together???

<pam-shame> then there's a pair of us, don't tell. they will banish us, you know.

<m> i'm nobody! who are you?

<pam-shame> you got it!

<m> :)

<m> you made me laugh :)

<pam-shame> you have helped me so much to feel it is ok to be me. I am going to have to go soon because we have a bad day if we don't sleep early. but I promise promise promise to write you tomorrow or Sunday. you are my friend and I am glad you are bad like me

<m> byebye

<pam-shame> bye bye

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