The Whole and the Sum of the Parts

this page last modified 11/11/97

caution: discussion of integration/fusion

Oct. 1997 reflections on valuing the insiders:

My therapist is a Jungian analyst and trusts my path. I choose to encourage the cut-off parts of myself to get stronger, to express themselves, in a sense to gain ego strength. That certainly could look to a therapist who was anti-DID like I was purposely playing a role.

But I believe it is the route to healing. There are parts of myself that I denied and suppressed. When I first became aware of those parts they were so weak and so scared that they could only huddle in a corner. They have to be loved and grow strong before they can take their proper places. And they have to be able to express themselves before I can heal my traumatic memories, because without those cut-off parts of myself I would be unable to access the feelings that went with the memories (and in many cases unable to access the memories).

I have noticed an interesting phenomenon recently. As I try to "act more multiple"--that is, to express the cut off parts of myself--they become less separate. Because if I am willing to express the scared little girl with this body, then she doesn't need to be a separate person, she is a part of me. And indeed I am increasingly talking about those feelings as "I" rather than "we" or "she". I have tried not to push my system into a rigid map and it indeed keeps changing in a very fluid kind of way, so I don't want to put a name on what is happening. But it sometimes feels like a trap--that the more I care about the insiders and want them around, the more they fade away (and I am sad about that).

Nov. 1997 reflections on what seems to be a kind of integration:

I'm really reluctant to name what is happening, but the connections are interesting. I think what has made the most difference is that I am really beginning to show the feelings of the insiders in my everyday life (where it is safe to do so). For example, we went to the house of our closest friends, and at one point when we were sitting around the dinner table I got scared and went and sat on the floor for awhile.

It appears when I do that, then the insiders don't have to be separate in order to get a voice (because they are being expressed through the main assemblage), and they feel a lot less separate. I certainly still can switch to some very separate and outspoken insiders in order to get at issues or memories I am dealing with in therapy. But on an everyday basis, there is a lot less division. And I feel like an assemblage (which is a little closer than a collective), not like just the one who used to write in blue running around trying to deal with things. I'm by no means entirely happy about that. It is much quieter in my head now, and I miss them. On the other hand, I'm not fighting it, because I believe the most important thing is to honor the feelings and needs of the insiders. If honoring them makes them go away, then I am stuck with that.

I've never wanted to integrate. I have seen my primary goal to be to love my parts and give them a chance to let out their feelings, and I love them so much I don't want them to go away. But it seems to be happening despite me--if I let them express their feelings (in effect through me) then they don't need to be separate.

I still switch into very separate parts sometimes, but more-and-more of the time, I feel not like a collection of voices but like a faceted ball. I can still look at the world through different facets, but they are not separate enough to carry on conversations with each other. My therapist has accepted my desire not to integrate, so what is happening is driven entirely from inside.

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