Reading Room
Understanding and Helping
a Suicidal Person
What Can I Do To Help Someone Who May Be
Suicidal?
1. TAKE IT SERIOUSLY
a. Myth: "The people who talk about it don't do it." Studies have
found that more than 75% of all completed suicides did things in the few weeks
or months prior to their deaths to indicate to others that they were in deep
despair. Anyone expressing suicidal feelings needs immediate attention.
b. Myth: "Anyone who tries to kill himself has got to be crazy."
Perhaps 10% of all suicidal people are psychotic or have delusional beliefs
about reality. Most suicidal people suffer from the recognized mental illness
of depression; but many depressed people adequately manage their daily affairs.
The absence of "craziness" does not mean the absence of suicide risk.
c. "Those problems weren't enough to commit suicide over," is
often said by people who knew a completed suicide. You cannot assume that
because you feel something is not worth being suicidal about, that the person
you are with feels the same way. It is not how bad the problem is, but how
badly it's hurting the person who has it.
2. REMEMBER: SUICIDAL BEHAVIOR IS A CRY FOR HELP
Myth: "If a someone is going to kill himself, nothing can stop
him." The fact that a person is still alive is sufficient proof that part
of him wants to remain alive. The suicidal person is ambivalent - part of him
wants to live and part of him wants not so much death as he wants the pain to
end. It is the part that wants to live that tells another "I feel
suicidal." If a suicidal person turns to you it is likely that he believes
that you are more caring, more informed about coping with misfortune, and more
willing to protect his confidentiality. No matter how negative the manner and
content of his talk, he is doing a positive thing and has a positive view of
you.
3. BE WILLING TO GIVE AND GET HELP SOONER RATHER THAN LATER
Suicide prevention is not a last minute activity. All textbooks on
depression say it should be reached as soon as possible. Unfortunately,
suicidal people are afraid that trying to get help may bring them more pain:
being told they are stupid, foolish, sinful, or manipulative; rejection;
punishment; suspension from school or job; written records of their condition;
or involuntary commitment. You need to do everything you can to reduce pain,
rather than increase or prolong it. Constructively involving yourself on the
side of life as early as possible will reduce the risk of suicide.
4. LISTEN
Give the person every opportunity to unburden his troubles and ventilate his
feelings. You don't need to say much and there are no magic words. If you are
concerned, your voice and manner will show it. Give him relief from being alone
with his pain; let him know you are glad he turned to you. Patience, sympathy,
acceptance. Avoid arguments and advice giving.
5. ASK: "ARE YOU HAVING THOUGHTS OF SUICIDE?"
Myth: "Talking about it may give someone the idea." People already
have the idea; suicide is constantly in the news media. If you ask a despairing
person this question you are doing a good thing for them: you are showing him
that you care about him, that you take him seriously, and that you are willing
to let him share his pain with you. You are giving him further opportunity to
discharge pent up and painful feelings. If the person is having thoughts of
suicide, find out how far along his ideation has progressed.
6. IF THE PERSON IS ACUTELY SUICIDAL, DO NOT LEAVE HIM ALONE
If the means are present, try to get rid of them. Detoxify the home.
7. URGE PROFESSIONAL HELP
Persistence and patience may be needed to seek, engage and continue with as
many options as possible. In any referral situation, let the person know you
care and want to maintain contact.
8. NO SECRETS
It is the part of the person that is afraid of more pain that says
"Don't tell anyone." It is the part that wants to stay alive that
tells you about it. Respond to that part of the person and persistently seek
out a mature and compassionate person with whom you can review the situation.
(You can get outside help and still protect the person from pain causing
breaches of privacy.) Do not try to go it alone. Get help for the person and
for yourself. Distributing the anxieties and responsibilities of suicide
prevention makes it easier and much more effective.
9. FROM CRISIS TO RECOVERY
Most people have suicidal thoughts or feelings at some point in their lives;
yet less than 2% of all deaths are suicides. Nearly all suicidal people suffer
from conditions that will pass with time or with the assistance of a recovery
program. There are hundreds of modest steps we can take to improve our response
to the suicidal and to make it easier for them to seek help. Taking these
modest steps can save many lives and reduce a great deal of human suffering.
How You Can Help
Most suicides can be prevented by sensitive responses to the person in
crisis. If you think someone you know may be suicidal, you should:
- Remain calm. In most instances, there is no rush. Sit and listen -
really listen to what the person is saying. Give understanding and active
emotional support for his or her feelings.
- Deal directly with the topic of suicide. Most individuals have
mixed feelings about death and dying and are open to help. Don't be afraid to
ask or talk directly about suicide.
- Encourage problem solving and positive actions. Remember that the
person involved in emotional crisis is not thinking clearly; encourage him or
her to refrain from making any serious, irreversible decisions while in a
crisis. Talk about the positive alternatives which may establish hope for the
future.
- Get assistance. Although you want to help, do not take full
responsibility by trying to be the sole counsel. Seek out resources which can
lend qualified help, even if it means breaking a confidence. Let the troubled
person know you are concerned - so concerned that you are willing to arrange
help beyond that which you can offer.
UCLA suicide prevention experts have summarized the
information to be conveyed to a person in crisis as follows:
- The suicidal crisis is temporary.
- Unbearable pain can be survived.
- Help is available.
- You are not alone.
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