Making It Through Some Bipolar Days

It’s a gray day outside and I hate it. Spring is supposed to be filled with sunny days, but all we’ve seen lately is rain and gray days. I’m pretty sure it’s affecting my mood and I hate that, too. I’ve been full of anger lately. It eats at the center of my chest until I feel like there’s a gaping hole. I’m mad, too, that my bipolar medicine isn’t taking care of all my symptoms. I expected miracles and that just isn’t happening.

I expected the bipolar medicine to swallow all the bad feelings that I have inside me and it just wasn’t realistic.

All my feelings weren’t based on my bipolar. The bipolar doesn’t produce all my feelings. I know this. But, somehow I had duped myself into thinking that the Lithium and Geodon pills were magic and it would eat away at the bad feelings.

Bad feelings like not feeling adequate. My three year old daughter started at school last week. She qualified to go to a special school because she has a language deficiency. I feel like it’s my fault that she’s there. It was my duty to get her started on her language development and I failed her. I had her in Easter Seals for over a year and I tried to help her with her speech delay, but I just couldn’t do a good enough job. I failed her and I feel inadequate as a mother.

Ever since then I’ve been dealing with anger issues.

Any little thing sets me off. I’m not really angry at my kids or my husband. I’m really angry at myself for not being a better mother. I’ve been trying to deal with the anger. I try to meditate. It works, though how it’s working, I’m not sure. I can’t get my mind to quiet itself enough to meditate properly. Sometimes I have to go through two meditations to get it to work.

I believe that mania is presenting itself.

I’m having a hard time sleeping, my mind talks too much, I’m angry, and I feel antsy. Perhaps the mania is struggling to come out, but, perhaps, it’s just what I’m going through right now. Maybe it has nothing to do with my bipolar. But I am keeping an eye on it. If the sleeping gets worse, I’ll seek out my psychiatrist. Until then I’ll continue to cope as best as I can.

Whether or not it’s the bipolar disorder rearing it’s ugly head or it’s just me, I’ll get through it with my coping mechanisms for managing bipolar disorder. Thank god for affirmations and meditation!