BPD and Domestic Violence: The Kiss and the Fist

My sign it was time to end an engagement to an abusive man was, well, a sign. Literally.

I didn't expect to fall in love and become engaged to an abuser, but I think my borderline personality disorder (BPD), as well as his BPD and bipolar diagnosis, played a role in the abuse. I was afraid of being abandoned almost as much as I was afraid of provoking him. I believed his insults and my abuser's promises to change. I thought I was the abusive one. (Read: How Did You Brainwash Me?) That is, up until I saw the sign that said "Taking my money is abuse. Stop it."

The Signs of Abuse

My friend M (name withheld at her request) was a graduate student pursuing her MSW. She had several signs on her door about the warning signs of domestic abuse, including the one about taking money. My fiance had just "borrowed" $100 from me to go to Marion, Illinois, to meet a girl he met on the Internet while I was in the psych ward. He'd been exchanging photos with her and talking to her for hours on the phone. The money was my wake-up call that not all was well.

M and I talked for a long time about the signs of abuse, and that just because there was no violence did not mean the relationship was not abusive. In addition to physical abuse, there is also emotional abuse, environmental abuse, financial abuse, spiritual abuse, verbal abuse, and sexual abuse. Warning signs of each one can be found in the book Shattered by Fay A. Klinger and Bettyanne Bruin. Some more general questions are:

• Do you fear your partner?
• Do you change your normal activities to avoid upsetting your partner?
• Do you feel controlled or intimidated by your partner?
• Do you avoid certain topics to avoid upsetting your partner?
• Do you feel you can't do anything right?
• Do you think you deserve mistreatment?
• Do you wonder if you're crazy?
• Are you afraid your partner will hurt or kill you?
• Are you afraid your children will be taken away?
• Do you feel numb or helpless?
• Do you think violence is normal?
• Do you feel no one else will love you if your partner doesn't?

I could answer yes to almost all of these questions. I decided that for my own sake, it was time to leave.

How to Leave an Abusive Relationship

Leaving is the most dangerous part of the abusive relationship; more than half of all intimate partner homicides were committed at this point. (read: Domestic Violence Safety Plan: How to Create, Implement One) So leaving should be carefully planned (don't do what I did and flee with only the clothes on your back unless you have no other option). Keep an emergency bag hidden somewhere. It should contain clothes, money, important documents and keys. Talk to people you trust and have a prearranged signal to call the police. Go to a shelter; they have security measures that a friend or neighbor won't. Have documentation of police runs to your home as well as injuries you suffered.

The emotional part of leaving is often harder than the physical act of leaving. I don't like conflict and I was afraid of my ex, so dumping him was nerve-wracking. However, once I told him it was over, it felt as if a giant weight had been lifted from my shoulders. Although I had to relocate and get a protective order (which he violated), it was as if I had awoken from a long nightmare. So brace yourself, and know it will be easier once it is over.

A Survivor's Bill of Rights

If I had my way, everyone in the criminal justice system and mental health system would have proper training to deal with survivors. For now that's a dream. But I will contribute my part with my Survivor's Bill of Rights:

• We have the right to be believed when we say we've been abused.
• We have the right not to have the abuse downplayed.
• We have the right to be heard.
• We have the right to be treated equally, regardless of whether or not we're married to our abuser or our sexual orientation.
• We have the right to be treated with dignity and respect.
• We have the right not to be judged for being with an abusive partner.
• We have the right to confidentiality.
• We have the right to treatment for physical injuries.
• We have the right to mental health treatment.
• We have the right to a support system and an advocate to navigate it.
• We have the right to be afraid, angry and confused and not to be judged for these feelings.
• We have the right to divorce without shame. We are neither selfish nor homewreckers; our abuser is responsible for the end of the relationship.
• We have the right not to be considered masochists who provoked and/or enjoyed the abuse.
• We have the right to be safe.

More articles on domesic violence, domestic abuse.

You can also find Becky Oberg on Google+, Facebook and Twitter and Linkedin.