Recovery from Eating Disorders: A New Year of Hope

On New Year's Eve 2009, I was with my husband, David, at a party. I ate without too much fear and had earlier wrote that I was on my way to complete recovery from anorexia nervosa in 2010.

It wasn't meant to be. However, I always try to live my life with hope. I vow that 2011 will be the year I recover. I also believe each one of you can make this the year you recover from your eating disorder.Everything came crashing down almost as soon as the calendar's page turned to January 2010. I relapsed and became quite ill. I had to be hospitalized in February, and the rest of the year was filled with constant struggling to recover from anorexia. Every month something happened that made recovery feel more and more distant from me. I felt as if I were chasing an elusive, wispy goal that was just out of reach.

Have you felt that way? Perhaps this has been a dark year for you and your eating disorder, too. Perhaps you have suffered from restrictive eating and had to be hospitalized. You might have been caught in a vicious cycle of binging and purging. Maybe your illness felt like it was too much for you at times.

You can recover from your eating disorder. It might not feel like that to some of you. There have been many times it has felt like I will never recover from anorexia. But there is something within me that makes me try one more time.

You see, I wanted to become the best anorexic ever more than I wanted to save my life and marriage. I valued my eating disorder above everything — my husband, graduate school, family and friends, and my own life. I plunged into pro-anorexia websites and viewed online thinspiration.

But it really wasn't about being thin. It was about quieting the anxiety and fears that are rooted deep within me. I believe these are the core issues for many people with eating disorders. The symptoms include problems with food, self-injury, and other problems.

You might be asking right now, "Where is this new year of hope?" The great thing about the past is that it is the past. It is gone and does not have to be repeated again.

And the wondrous thing about the present and future is that each one of us can control it. Yes, it takes hard work to start and stay in recovery. I have done it many times and failed. But with each failure I have learned something.

Perhaps the most important thing I have learned this year is that recovery must come from within. Each time I have tried to recover for my husband, my therapist, my friends, or anybody else, I have ultimately failed.

Eating disorders kill. I must want to live instead of allowing anorexia to slowly destroy me. I must want recovery for myself. Let each one of us truly believe we deserve to recover and truly live this New Year. Let 2011 be the year we win against our eating disorders.