Why Do I Resist What I Want?

Yesterday I spent an hour deciding whether to get out of bed. Then another hour deciding if I felt okay to take a shower or eat something, then some considerable time pacing, trying to rid myself of the anxiety standing between me and actually getting dressed (pajamas are seductive, evil, wonderful things).

At first I wasn't going to go to my usual Yoga class but then I was out, and it was round the corner anyway, so with some umming and ahhing and a couple of changes direction, I went.

Left class with my nervous system a lot more chilled. But why all the resistance? It's like I want to live up to all these sayings: Carpe Diem, Own the Day. Only I feel more like a drone.

Resistance is futile when it comes to post traumatic stress?

It's really hard to feel clear about what you want and why you want it when your mind is clouded by worry, or worse: traumatic flashbacks, panic and stress; Judgment's impaired, thinking goes in circles, physically I'm agitated and can't hold onto what I need to do in the next 30 seconds so it's really hard to plan for the day.

Hence curling back up with a good book seems so thoroughly appealing, even if it'll reinforce my cycle of anxious-avoidance.

Mental health difficulties are like clowns -

Amusing, provided you know where the exits are and you're way up in the stands. Up close and personal they morph in Freddie Kruger on speed.

Getting out of this three-ring circus, mental health recovery, preferably in one piece, is what I want but simply wanting that doesn't making getting it less abjectly terrifying.

Anxiety likes to run my life; Like having a couple of pet angry gremlins that demand feeding after midnight, and even if I'll regret it, they're pretty scary beasts.

Treating anxiety: Baby steps, better than giant leaps

Because really it's just me in an emotional boxing ring and it is dangerous and I don't want to huff and puff and accidentally blow my house down.

Trying to balance living the actual life I need to live, the world of functioning, with how much anxiety is too much. But just a little less, is just right.

What I want doesn't always match up with the things I think I should want. That was yesterday - I spent a lot of time turning over the words "but I should do, and I must" and then it was a matter of I don't want to because I feel so depleted by all these endless thoughts about things I'm not sure I care about anymore anyway.

Eventually I managed to put such a distance between me and what I actually wanted that I acted on 'should' because it was all I could see. Finally listening to my gut, going to Yoga, served me better than anything else I did that day. 20:20 hindsight. Naturally.

There's no point guilt-tripping but pointlessness has never been a particularly great barrier for me. Lately I do feel better equipped to "get it" more easily.

I can't intervene as quickly or as effectively as I'd like but I understand what I'm doing, in my head. Without that I'll stay stuck in this labyrinth for the rest of my life. Eventually it'd put me right back where I started, on the depression/dissociation bus. That's a trip I don't want to take!