Self-Interest in Abusive Relationships

If you are a verbal abuse sufferer, your abuser tells you how selfish you are on a regular basis. You listen to your abuser's opinion on this matter with bated breath, waiting to hear how you are acting selfishly so you can stop doing it...right now! The backwards thing about it is that you martyred yourself for the relationship by sacrificing so many of your own "selfish" desires that you are now creating a confined, tiny life full of limitless impossibilities.

Abuse Sufferers Self-Limit

You are the epitome of self-sacrificing; your friends and coworkers - if you're lucky enough to still enjoy those relationships - think you're a wonderful, giving person. Many of them would bend over backwards for you (if you asked, but you won't because that would appear selfish). Is it better to limit your possibilities in life by not sharing it with anyone? By martyring yourself for an abusive relationship built on lies your partner tells about you to you?

God helps those who help themselves. God helps those who make self-serving decisions from time to time in order to rise up above the evilness of abuse and allow their own soul to shine brightly. If you won't follow your bliss, a.k.a. your gifts, talents and abilities, then you are doubting God's faith in you and placing the evilness spewed from mankind's lips above goodness. Martyrs don't always prove a point. Sometimes they just wither up and die silently and unnoticed.

When Selfishness Isn't Selfish

Abuse sufferers mistake selfishness with self-interest. When you make a selfish decision, you do not care a lick about how it affects another person and tend to blame the other person when they speak out against your decision. When you make a decision in your self-interest, you understand that your decision may or may not affect another person and you are willing to address their concerns respectfully without allowing the other to alter your good-for-you decision.

If it is in your self-interest to attend a domestic violence group that helps you cope with your abusive relationship, then do not allow yourself to believe your abuser when s/he whines about how selfish you are for leaving him (or her) to fend for themselves at dinner time on Tuesday evenings. Your abuser is a grown person and highly capable of feeding themselves.

If it is in your self-interest to attend classes to further your career or talent, then do not be dissuaded by the temper tantrum of a jealous mate. If the shoe were on the other foot, I'll bet you would support your mate's desire to better themselves.

When your abuser spits venom about your "selfish" decision, you can choose to hear them out, then say something like, "I understand that you feel I am making a poor decision. Only time will tell if you are right or not. Only by trying this will I know for myself."

That's all you need to say, and you've heard all you need to hear about that. It probably will not be all the abuser wants to say about it, but you know the drill: abusers will try to wear you down by repeating ad nauseum their own thoughts on the matter. However, you've made a decision in your self-interest, and you can also decide if you want to pay attention or stick around for their abusive commentaries.

Self-Interest Is Not The Easy Way Out

Please don't mistake my simple explanation on how to deal with this abuse as lack of understanding for just how difficult it will be to do. Your abuser's disgust with you making your own decision will play out in several ways:

• Sulking, the quiet treatment
• Raging, in your face to the point of thinking you'll be physically injured (when this happens, leave temporarily at least!)
• Sweet concern for your failing character and attempts to lovingly persuade you to see how horrible you've become
• Conversations lasting hours that spin in circles as they attempt to dissuade you
• Contrived emotions running the gamut from anger/hostility to sadness/crying and begging
• Snide comments in public and private
• "Jokes" in front of others or just to you
• Name-calling
• Telling you what you deserve to have happen to you for making your decision or simply being who you are
• A break in the abuse as they appear to have made peace with your decision (don't be fooled...)
• Fill in your abuser's unique way of attempting to control you here...

Making a decision in your own self-interest is asking for trouble - make no mistake about it! But remember: doing things that you feel are good for you and believing the outcome for your choice will benefit you in the long run is the only way to break free from abuse. Have the courage to be you and only good things will result despite the punishment your abuser attempts to inflict.

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