Triumphant
Journey:
A Cyberguide To Stop Overeating and
Recover from Eating Disorders
Observing the adult Mary who chronically overeats and
binges, we notice seemingly inexplicable traits. She has limited and odd
childhood memories. She cannot remember the old living room, but she does
remember the TV. She doesn't want her children playing with crayons. She
continually tries to please her father with gifts and attention. She is angry
at her mother most of the time.
She will not have furniture with wooden legs in her home.
She refuses to be in a room with any man, including her husband, while he is
reading a newspaper. She is afraid to laugh in public. She has many secrets.
She may steal little sweets in the grocery store or in social settings when she
thinks others are not looking. She will refuse to attend violent movies. Yet
she may have sadism/masochism fantasies, perhaps secret, perhaps acted out.
She may blank out at times. On careful observation we
might notice that these mental blanks occur when someone around her has body,
facial or verbal mannerisms similar to her father.
She has deep bouts of sorrow and loneliness where no one
can cheer her up. She feels alone, ugly, bad, scared and is the worst person in
the world to herself. She gets angry and sad when people will not change rules
or behavior for her. If they do change to accommodate her wishes, she will be
briefly grateful but will feel the changes are not enough. She surprises people
by not remembering them or their kindness. She doesn't remember needing people.
She overeats regularly. Sometimes she vomits on purpose.
When she feels familiar despair she will binge.
Mary is trapped in the overeater's prison. Mary
exercises. She reads diet books. She doesn't understand why she can't stop
overeating. She believes she overeats and feels bad because she is bad. She is
certain that if she stopped overeating her life would be fine, and she would be
happy and a good person. She feels humiliated and helpless because she can't
stop.
Mary is not curious about her feelings. Her main concern
is stopping her feelings, not understanding them. Her lack of curiosity and her
insistence on making food her main point of focus are crucial in maintaining
her ignorance about herself.
As long as her secrets remain unknown to herself, Mary
will continue to feel she is in constant danger. Because she is oblivious to
the torture and heartbreak she experienced in her past, she has not learned to
recognize and avoid abuse in her present. She may allow abusive people in her
life, even invite them, because she doesn't know she has more power than she
did as a child. For her, abuse is more than familiar. Abuse feels like home.
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