Where Thoughts of Suicide and Intrusive Thoughts Converge

Trigger warning: This post involves a frank discussion of suicide and intrusive thoughts.

I've considered suicide in the past, several years ago. More recently, I've had disturbing intrusive thoughts. Having experienced—and survived—both, I know how intrusive thoughts can easily bleed into thoughts of suicide.

My Experience with Thoughts of Suicide and Intrusive Thoughts

In 2012, during a period of deep depression, I went so far as to fill my palm with a load of pills, intent on ending what I believed was a hopeless life. No intrusive thoughts preceded this. Depression had drained me of my will to live. Therapy had taught me to concentrate on just one thing I was looking forward to—my daughter's upcoming wedding. In utter despair, I also called my brother for support. I reached out. These acts saved my life.

I've also had intrusive thoughts—very recently, in fact. My intrusive thoughts came as part of a harrowing package of terror associated with weeks of acute panic and anxiety. I woke in the middle of the night already in a state of panic; my mind flooded with intrusive thoughts of ending it all:

"I can't take it anymore."

"I need to end this."

"I'm going to get up now and end this."

"How many pills would it take to end this?"

"You're weak."

"You can't get away!"

Knowing how close I'd come to taking my own life in 2012, I immediately saw my doctor, who prescribed a low-dose antipsychotic, which helped a lot. Using what I learned in therapy on how to purposefully redirect my thoughts, then following up with my doctor for help saved my life.  

If you feel that you may hurt yourself or someone else, call 9-1-1 immediately.

For more information on suicide, see our suicide information, resources, and support section. For additional mental health help, please see our mental health hotline numbers and referral information section.