Navigating My Anxiety While Living with an ADHD Spouse

There are a few effects of my husband's attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) that make my anxiety skyrocket. Still, we have found ways to navigate these issues and come out on top. Some of his symptoms that have come to be the most relationship-building are brainfarts and ADHD paralysis. A spouse with ADHD can cause anxiety, but it doesn't have to.

Anxiety, an ADHD Spouse, and the Dreaded Brainfart

My husband's brain with ADHD moves faster than his mouth sometimes, and when that happens, he will pause mid-sentence to backtrack his brain and finish the thought. This sometimes leads to long pauses during conversations. It almost looks like when someone forgets a word during a conversation, but for him, he knows what he's trying to say; he just needs to rewind his brain to get there. 

I have a physical stress response thanks to my anxiety and my spouse's ADHD when he doesn't finish a sentence, and I feel like I have to finish it for him. When he pauses, it makes me feel like I'm holding my breath. My chest gets tight, and I breathe out the words I think he wants to say. I think this happens because I worry he will forget what he was going to say. What he says is important to me. I really want to hear it, and by filling in the space, I think I'm helping him get it out when, in reality, I'm not. 

Anxiety, an ADHD Spouse, and Paralysis

My husband also suffers from what we call ADHD paralysis, which is exactly what it sounds like. Our family waits all day to go somewhere or do something, and he can't make himself get up, get ready, and go. On the flip side, if he's motivated to go, we have to leave now, or it will not happen. The ADHD paralysis doesn't just apply to going somewhere, though; it could be for any important task, like an exam, homework, a task at his job, pursuing hobbies, completing chores, or even going to the bathroom. 

My anxiety causes me to need structure, planning, and consistency, and ADHD paralysis goes against that. It can be frustrating to wait around to do something and have nobody working towards getting it done. When you add anxious thoughts and negative self-talk on top of that, it takes that frustration to a new level. On the flip side, if he is ready and motivated to go somewhere, having to go now or it will not happen doesn't go well with anxiety, either. I need time to mentally and physically prepare to leave my house. If he's rushing me out the door, I feel unprepared, anxious, irritable, and upset. 

Navigating a Spouse with ADHD and My Anxiety

The best and most simple way to navigate a spouse with ADHD and my anxiety is to communicate. It has to start there. When I try to finish my husband's sentences, it drives him crazy. He told me this and asked me not to keep finishing his sentences. I'm not perfect at it, but because we had a conversation, I now make a conscious effort not to interrupt. 

With ADHD paralysis, I've learned over the years that nagging will only make this worse, so I give space and gentle nudges as needed, and eventually, we get to where we need to go. For the issue of needing to go right now, I've communicated how this affects me and my anxiety, and he tries harder not to push and rush me and to give a few minutes heads up so I have time to prepare and adjust mentally. 

For more about how my spouse with ADHD and me with anxiety manage our marriage, watch this.

Our anxiety and ADHD experiences bring challenges to our marriage, but since we're committed to one another, we're also committed to working through the challenges. As we communicate, we can navigate all the obstacles that may arise together.