"Crazy" Bipolar Research

Now I can sit back and reflect on those early days of my bipolar life. I lived each day in fear of the next. I mostly feared that I was going crazy. I feared that my sanity was to be taken away from me easily. I feared that I would end up in a cold, confined padded cell.

The Oxford Dictionary defines crazy as insane, mad and foolish with synonyms like demented, deranged and unbalanced. This accurately defines the sensations I felt in the first year after my diagnosis. I grew anxious as I feared fear itself. My arms were covered with etched claw marks, some healing and flaking. I woke up with a startle each morning, surprised that I was still in my body. I suspected that during the night I would fail and morning would never come. Or, at times, I went without sleep, spending oodles of time on the internet doing research on my disorder. There had to be a cure.

I made new "bipolar only" friends on the internet and shared the secrets that I did not dare share with any of my other normal friends. They would just think I was crazy and not the good kind of crazy where a friend jokingly hits you on the arm and says, "Oh, you're so crazy!"

I began to cringe every time my young daughter called "Mommy!" I just wanted to be left alone to do research and seethe inside. My mania quickly escalated and I screamed at everyone at any time over any little thing, Didn't they know that the research I was doing was important?

The research was nothing. It told me little what to expect. People told me little what to expect. Every life is like a flower. No two are alike. What I experienced is not what you will experience. All we can do is tell our tales. The research is in the healing the tales bring.

Oxford Dictionary also defines crazy as extremely enthusiastic, avid and keen. I choose to believe that I am those things now. Where I was is not where I am going. I choose sunlight over shadows. My fear is still there, hidden under piles of "research" but I choose to keep it under wraps.

Now I choose to live in the present without worrying about tomorrow. My first year taught me that the live research I did in the past helps me live without it's strings. I no longer choose to fear. I choose to live each day the best way I know how.