When Bipolar Depression Makes You Lose Hope

When you lose hope because of bipolar depression life will feel impossible. I know this impossible feeling all too well. I know what losing hope feels like all too well. But I also know what surviving it feels like. Here's my message for when bipolar depression makes you lose hope.

When You Lose Hope Because of Bipolar Depression

Yes, I said, "when." I said "when" because when you are severely ill with bipolar depression losing hope is normal. It's a thing depression does. Depression sucks hope from your soul. I don't know why and science definitely doesn't know why but depression simply does this thing. So if you can't find your hope when you're severely depressed, well, that makes you just like me and so many others. Losing hope happens.

And without hope, everything feels impossible. Showering feels impossible. Eating feels impossible. Making a phone call feels impossible. A thousand ball bearings weigh every cell of you down. Without hope, just breathing is the stretch goal of the day.

And, of course, without hope, seeing tomorrow can also feel impossible. That's why it's dangerous.

The Thing About Bipolar Depression and Losing Hope

The other thing about losing hope when you're really depressed is that you tend to beat yourself up about it. Well, really, when you're depressed you beat yourself up about everything, but losing hope is one of those things. It feels like every when-you-get-to-the-end-of-your-rope-tie-a-knot-and-hang-on poster with a cute kitten on it is a personal slap in the face. It feels like you have a major defect because you're not seeing the "bright side" or "thinking positively" or employing any of the other flacid, trite ideas that permeate the incorrect notions that go with being depressed.

In other words, losing hope with bipolar depression is worse than just losing hope. Losing hope with bipolar depression is losing hope but with the additional severely judgmental feeling that it makes you a bad person, too. 

What to Remember When You Lose Hope Because of Bipolar Depression

But like I said, losing hope with bipolar depression is actually normal. When you're in a state where your brain is broken and you can't get out of the pain for whatever reason, it's completely reasonable not to see any hope. 

But there are two things you need to remember about losing hope:

1. It's not something to beat yourself up about. As we now understand that losing hope is a very reasonable response to a horrific reality, you aren't a bad person for experiencing it. You haven't missed all the glowing lessons we're all supposed to learn about "being positive." You're just in a place where these things don't apply. Don't beat yourself up about this; you can't control it.
2. It is temporary. I know it feels otherwise, but you will find your lost hope again. Hope is built-in to humans and it is built-in to you too. It's normal to lose it but it's also normal to find it again. The bipolar will lie and tell you that it's all over but this truly is a lie of the sick brain. 

I know a depressed brain will try to convince you that the two above things aren't true, but that's when you have to fight back and know that they are. This is not an easy thing. Talking back to depression is a nightmare. But in the end, it's worth it. Because there will be a tomorrow when you will thank yourself for reminding yourself of the two above truths. There will be a tomorrow when the depression lessens and the hope peeks through and you'll be glad you fought today.

So lose hope. It's okay. It's not the end. It's a really sucky middle, but it's not the end.