An Obsession with Suicide

At one time, I was obsessed with my own suicide. This isn't a particularly pleasant admission or memory, but it's true. Thoughts of suicide would run through my head every single day. And to be clear, this suicide obsession, wasn't simple teen ennui or just mere "thoughts" that were transienty. It was very distressing and mostly out of my control.

Suicide Obsession and Suicidal Ideation

Suicidal ideation is thoughts about suicide and even planning for suicide. Watch this video below for more about suicidal ideation, especially if you're suffering from suicidal ideation right now.

However, suicidal ideation is not necessarily obsessive. Like mine, it certainly can be, but it can also be quite transient.

Intrusive Thoughts Drove My Suicide Obsession

But not only did experience suicidal ideation, this ideation was intrusive. As noted in the video, this is when thoughts occur without warning or provocation. For example, you could be taking a walk and enjoying the sun when thoughts of suicide could pervade your consciousness.I want to make it clear that intrusive thoughts are not just a person thinking about a subject. They feel like thoughts that are shoved into your brain by someone else. It's not your idea and you don't want them there and yet there they keep appearing.

And while intrusive suicidal ideation can be limited, mine wasn't. Mine became an obsession. It was almost impossible for me to string together several thoughts without thoughts of suicide entering the picture.

What My Suicide Obsession Was Like

And I wanted that suicide. In my visions, it was the ultimate relief. Or, at least, part of me felt that way. The other part of me was desperately trying to ignore those thoughts and stay alive.

In my case, my suicidal ideation came in forms of visions of my suicide. I could see everything about it. I could see the preparation steps leading up to it and then I watched my suicide over and over and over. It was like a neverending loop. I became obsessed with my suicide completely against my will.

And how I died in my vision became so real that whenever I saw the things I used in the vision, I almost fetishized them. So everyday, intrusive thoughts presented themselves, and even when they weren't there, it was quite possible to run across an item that would bring on my suicidal ideation.

My Suicide Obsession Today

I'm extremely pleased to say those days have passed. I can remember those intrusive thoughts but they are no longer obsessive. It's like being able to walk up to the fire as opposed to be tossed directly into it.

If you're obsessed with your own suicide you need to remember that what you're experiencing is a mental illness symptom (mine was a bipolar depression symptom) -- there is nothing wrong with you. These thoughts and that suicide obsession can get better with treatment. Don't hesitate to talk to your psychiatrist and therapist about them. You're not the only one going through this and they can help.

For more, read see:

• "What Are Intrusive Thoughts in Bipolar Disorder?"
• "How to Deal with Intrusive Thoughts in Bipolar Disorder"

If you're feeling suicidal, see these suicide resources for help.