I Accept Hearing Voices, But I Don't Like It

I have schizoaffective disorder, meaning, simply, that I have a combination of bipolar disorder and schizophrenia. And I experience auditory hallucinations, even on Easter. I accept hearing voices, but I don't like that it happens. It’s hard to say what brings them on. Sometimes it’s a mix of anxiety and overstimulation; sometimes it’s one or the other. But, whatever the cause, as anyone who hears voices will tell you, hearing voices is not fun. It's difficult to accept hearing voices, but sometimes that's the only way to cope.

Why am I Hearing Voices Today?

I am writing through those voices – I started hearing them about an hour-and-a-half ago. I was hearing them at Easter dinner with my parents and some friends. The boisterous conversation moved swiftly through everything from politics and religion to gossiping
about the neighbors, and I got overwhelmed. Halfway through trying to eat my serving of Easter ham, I told my husband, Tom, that I was hearing voices, and we went upstairs, away from the noise (Schizophrenia and Celebrating the Holidays).

I really don’t know why I heard voices. For awhile it seemed like extreme anxiety brought them on (Anxiety, Schizophrenia, and Hearing Voices), but I wasn’t extremely anxious tonight. I tend to have episodes, too, when I’m going through a medication change, but I’m not going through one right now. I guess sometimes it’s just random.

But, something key happened at Easter. I wanted to finish my dinner. So when I felt the voices were going away, I told Tom we could go back downstairs, sit at that table with the boisterous conversation, and I could finish my dinner. And we did. It was the first time I didn’t leave a get-together early at the minute voices struck. And I actually had a really good time with everyone once I rejoined the whole group.

I Accept Hearing Voices Even Though It Is Awful

If you’ve read my past articles on this topic, you know my voices don’t tell me to kill people, or to do anything, actually. I know when I’m hearing them that they’re not real. Sometimes I think they’re just a sign that I need to pause in my busy-ness and take care of myself. I need to self-soothe. I need to self-soothe for a period of time after I hear voices, too.

It’s like my brain has been on fire and it needs to cool off. So now I’m drinking iced tea and listening to my favorite musician. Believe it or not, writing is helping me recover from the voices episode I just experienced, too.

I saw a meme recently that said, “I know the voices aren’t real, but they have some good ideas.”

I actually find this to be true. However, I choose not to listen to what my voices have to say if I can help it. (Please note that listening to what the voices have to say does not equal acting on it.) I just want them to go away. They’re very disorienting, and I don’t like that feeling.

I try not to whine, but I hate going through this again and again. Hearing voices is awful. There is absolutely no redeeming quality about it. Except that, maybe, sharing my feelings will help someone else and writing about them helps me. Sigh.

Hearing Voices May Be Patterns in White Noise

Photo by Elizabeth Caudy.

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