What 'You Are Not Alone' Means to This Schizoaffective

“You are not alone” is a common phrase within the mental health community. I suspect it means a lot of different things to a lot of different people, but here’s what it means to me and my schizoaffective disorder.

It’s frankly ridiculous for me to feel alone. I come from a big, loving family (I have a sister, two brothers, four nephews, and three nieces), and my husband, Tom, more than dotes on me. Including my parents, my family shows how much they love me all the time. In short, I am very loved.

When This Schizoaffective Feels Most Lonely

So, when do I feel most lonely? When I’m in my apartment, at home, alone. I work from home, so I don’t have a place where I need to go every day that requires being around other people. Besides, even if I did, I don’t know if it would work out. My knees are so bad right now that I can barely climb the stairs to and from our apartment, and it would have to be a job I’d walk to because I’m afraid to drive. Also, because of arthritis in my knees, I can’t walk the two blocks to my parent's house, where I park my car in their garage because only street parking is available around our apartment. My point is that it would be very hard, if not impossible, for me to have a regular day job. Plus, I have had day jobs in the past, and they stressed me out to the point of hearing schizoaffective voices.

So, that leads us back to me being stuck at home, alone. I don’t even know what to do to keep busy. I could clean, but I’m so overwhelmed by the messiness of our apartment that I don’t know where to start. I’ve found it’s easier to clean, however, if you’re willing to give stuff away and donate it. I’ve been sorting through my dresser drawers that way, and it is making a dent.

Schizoaffective Disorder, Loneliness, and Remembering Enjoying Being Alone

My loneliness actually isn’t as bad as it used to be. My therapist told me to watch out for “wonky thoughts” that come with my schizoaffective disorder, and I’ve kept that in mind. Yesterday, I accidentally tapped Tom’s laptop with my cane, and my first thought was, “Oh, no! I broke Tom’s laptop!”

I’ve noticed that I have a lot of “wonky thoughts,” and learning not to jump to the worst-case scenario helps me not feel scared to be alone with my schizoaffective disorder. I call my Mom during the day, and that helps too.

So, maybe I don’t feel alone in terms of feeling like I have no one who loves me or anything of that sort. But I sure don’t like spending time alone. I used to love it. I used to be enraptured by my thoughts and the ramblings of my own mind. I miss that. I hope to get back to enjoying spending time alone someday.