Infamous Norwegian terrorist, Anders Breivik, who is currently being tried for mass murder was finally declared by a psychiatric board last month to be criminally “sane”. This is opposed to an earlier conclusion that he suffers from Paranoid Schizophrenia, and was undergoing psychosis during and after the attacks. The earlier conclusion had very little evidence to support it, and was possibly motivated by a legal system in which it is easier to hold someone indefinitely if they are deemed criminally “insane”.

Though this blog has focused primarily on my issues with reality, depression lives behind my schizoaffective disorder. I currently struggle with depression the most. Even on antidepressants, I still suffer from severe bouts of depression which disrupt my social life and work.

Immediately after having been sucessfully treated for Schizoaffective Disorder, I experienced difficulties adjusting to normalcy and calmness in my life.  Though no longer actively psychotic, the world around me felt as if it had changed because I had now experienced the dark side of both myself and the world around me.

Schizophrenia, as horrifying as it may be, gave me a glimpse into alternate realities and showed me another world that defies and transcends the physical world in which we live. Before contracting the illness, I considered myself to be a man of science, rationality, and skepticism. My training and education within the sciences demanded it. It was during these studies that I became entrapped in my first psychotic fantasy.

Today I was eating a grilled cheese sandwich in a local restaurant when two waitresses pointed their finger in my direction, laughed and spoke about the “voices in their head.” This is by no means the first time I had been harassed by strangers for the things that I write, and I am sure it will not be the last. I am, after all, a man who represents one of the most feared and stigmatized groups of people in the world. Most people I know have been very supportive of my writing and advocacy, but there are also those who cannot break down the wall of stigma and discrimination.

Trapped in a world of delusions and alternate realities, our behavior is often bizarre and misunderstood by observers. If people understood this illness, they would be more understanding of the sometimes strange behavior behind it. If they understood that schizophrenia can afflict anyone, even them, they would be more sympathetic towards it. Given that nearly one of every hundred people become schizophrenic, anyone stands a chance of experiencing it. I have this disease despite there being no history of severe mental illness in my family, only furthering my case that this disease can happen to anyone. This is not a far off illness, but something that once relatively healthy people can experience.

I wrote the poem “The Great Deceiver” yesterday in honor of my fifth year of good mental health. It is about the false world that I had lived in as a result of my Schizoaffective disorder. I am writing it in response to all the lies it told me over the years. The Great Deceiver Lies Lies Terrible Lies Don’t you think I know better You tell me this You tell me that I listen not I don’t believe you at all

What is it that lies behind the voices, the odd beliefs and strange behavior of paranoid schizophrenia? Most mental disorders are easier to visualize and understand, but this particular one has a pervasive aura of mystery. Though schizophrenia is a disease of the brain there are certain patterns of thinking that are prevalent in the majority of patients. I remember these and why I believed them.

For many years I had wrongly believed that I was a bad person for having Schizoaffective disorder. Many people around me believed likewise. It was not until years later through treatment that I realized Schizoaffective disorder is something that I have, and not something that I am. This is probably why Schizophrenia and Schizoaffective disorder can be treated better than many other mental illnesses, and will be even more treatable in the future.

At nearly 300 pounds, psychotic and impoverished, many doctors and associates had written me off just seven years ago.  Getting back on top wasn’t easy.  It took a lot of work, help from a good doctor and a lot of determination on my part.  Through this I have discovered what I thought what was once impossible, that I could take control of my life despite having schizoaffective disorder.