Borderline Dissociation and Regaining Reality

Borderline dissociation is one of the most confusing things to deal with as a person who struggles with borderline personality disorder (BPD). How do we learn how to create a solid reality rather than having to constantly regain what we think is the reality? Is it ever going to get easier? I don't know if I'm confused because I feel nothing from the borderline dissociation or more confused because I can't figure out which reality is better.

Borderline Dissociation Doesn't Make Sense

I feel like when things get tough in my life, my brain slips away from me. I begin to lose myself and everything around me in the hopes it will make the struggle go away. Even if I want to feel something, I lose my sense of emotion. Then I start to question everything: my feelings, emotions, thoughts, identity, and life (Borderline Personality Disorder and Dissociation).

I'm currently back in the state of confusion that comes with borderline dissociation. I don't know how I got here. All my sense of self-awareness seems to fly out the window and it doesn't get any easier, no matter how hard I try.

Why Does Borderline Dissociation Exist?

Although I can't grasp everything right now, I do know why my mind originally started this defense mechanism: trauma. Everything with borderline seems to come back to trauma--I can't escape it no matter how hard I try (BPD and Traumatic Memories: Daring to Remember). My mind will not let me go through the turmoil I did at a young age again so it chooses to shut off the outside world. I guess you could find positives to borderline dissociation; the fact that I won't get completely heartbroken again is kind of cool.

Do I Want Heartbreak over Borderline Dissociation?

I feel like I'm at a point in my life where I need to experience the pain again. I need to relearn some lessons so I know how to pick myself up in a more healthy way--I don't want to feel numb anymore (Emotional Thawing Makes Borderline Feel Worse). But then I flash to scenes where I've had to fully experience the heartbreak of life and do I really want that? Sometimes I feel like I just can't win. I'm lost between chaos and nothingness. What would you choose?