Living Alone with Mental Illness: Not for Everyone

Is living independently the right goal for everyone? Whether or not you live with mental illness, I think the answer is: no. For some? Sure. For others? Disaster - or at least not the ultimate goal.

Dangers of Sudden Independence

One year ago my son Ben "graduated" rather suddenly - too suddenly - from his place in a group home with 24-hour supervision to his very own apartment. Within one month, we needed police intervention to remove him from that same apartment, where he had isolated himself in confusion and fear after missing his meds for a couple of days - and most likely cheeking them whenever he wasn't closely watched before that.

Why? Certainly the rug was pulled out from under him way too fast - whoosh! You now are expected to function without structure, community, or purpose. Good luck with that - but also, for Ben (who is a very social person, even with his schizophrenia), he was, well, lonely.

[caption id="attachment_1118" align="alignleft" width="135" caption="Build the Structure Before the Climb"][/caption]

Living alone is not for everyone. It seems to be a very American goal we set almost as a rite of passage for our kids or ourselves- everyone must experience total self-care! - in other cultures, not so much. And certainly, where mental health is concerned, it is not the best universal goal. At least, not for my son; at least, not the way he was thrown into it without the scaffolding to climb to that independence.

Community Matters in Mental Health

While Ben was transitioning to his new apartment last year, I was preparing to present a speech for a program in New Haven, CT, called Fellowship Place. Touring the place, I saw people living with mental illness gathered in the central clubhouse that formed the nucleus of a "campus" of supported apartments. Sure, some lived "alone" as in they had no roommates; however there was always someone right next door, or a short walk

[caption id="attachment_1119" align="alignright" width="170" caption="Fellowship Place "][/caption]

across the driveway to the clubhouse, where you could attend art class, share a meal, help to cook that meal, watch the ball game, take yoga, or just hang out. There were campaign posters on the wall - residents running for positions in the clubhouse organization.

Whether you wanted to help run the meetings, have a say, or simply find people to smoke your cigarette with, it was right there: community.

Community.

We all have different needs for it. On the scale of "I" (for introvert) to "E" (for extrovert), I am way over on the E side, while one of my brothers is a clear I. He happily lived alone, until he fell in love with his wife. Me? I loved living alone for about a year, then hated it - and moved into a house with roommates. I craved the company, and the challenges, that community brings.

But for my son? No matter how much he thought he'd love it, living alone made him miserable. He felt isolated, unloved, unguided, and uninspired. He spent hours hanging out at a diner on the days he wasn't at work - because he craved purpose and company. And, before long, he relapsed.

As I said, not for everyone.

I recently re-met the director of Fellowship Place, when I interviewed her for a NAMI-CT video. She told me that while many residents there have their own kitchens, and can easily cook for themselves, very few do. They much prefer to walk to the clubhouse and share a meal. They may as well use the stoves for storage, they are that clean.

I get it. Ben would have loved to have a place to go, to share a meal - that's what human beings tend to want to do, most of the time, mental illness or not. Yes, he is a member of an ICCD clubhouse, a bus ride away - but getting there sometimes required more motivation than he could muster that day. He needed more. We must support programs that allow for the value of community - for, without it, who are we?

Sharing with others: Recovery with Community

There is a Jewish prayer that says, For what we are, we are by sharing. As as we share, we move toward light. Yes. Schizophrenia stole that sharing from my son, as he got sucked into an inner world that made it such an effort to share; Recovery in community is bringing him back.

Ben is doing so much better now, because he matters to others. Not just his family, either - he has friends, employers, fellow employees, and more. Getting to this place began with having chores to complete in his group home - making a difference to others - and gradually moving ahead from them.

Community matters- in the right amount, for each individual. Let's never forget that.