When Should I Tell Someone I Have a Mental Illness?

Knowing when to tell someone you have a mental illness is ... complicated. It's a serious topic and the answer is hard to figure out. And you have to figure it out for each individual person and situation (What to Tell a Date About Your Mental Illness). I've had to do it plenty of times, and here's my advice for when to tell someone you live with a mental illness.

Let's use a couple of examples to figure out when it's the time to talk about mental illness in different relationships.

Example A:

Woman meets man and they decide they rather like spending time together. First, they go for coffee and talk about things-you-talk-about-when-getting-to-know-someone. They talk about music, movies, family. His or her hand might grace the others. Things are going well...let's skip to the fifth date, perhaps the sixth...

Woman and man decide they like each other--quite a lot! They talk about places they could go! Maybe camping? They make dinner together and share a bottle of wine...or a bar of good quality chocolate.

But wait--It isn't that easy.

The woman feels she has a secret. She does not know when to tell him...She has bipolar disorder. She worries: Should she have told him on the third date, whilst in the movie theater? Is now a good time, while having dinner and smiling across the table?

Example B:

A man living with a chronic mental illness--let's use the example of depression--has found a great job. A full-time job that requires he be at work Monday-Friday, 9-5 p.m.

Although this man has recently recovered from a serious episode of depression and is now stable, he feels it's important to alert his supervisor. To tell him or her that he lives with a mental illness and may need to take time off from time to time.

This is difficult.

I have been in this position and I have withheld the information out of, well, embarrassment. I cannot lie. It's anything but easy to tell your superior something so personal, but in retrospect it would have saved me a lot of heartache. You can only call in sick for so long; migraines do not last months.

When do you tell this person? Do you tell them at all?

The Reality: There is Never a Good Time...

There is just a succession of times, of variables, of options. And none of them are good. None of them are comfortable. Telling someone you live with a chronic mental illness sucks.

But I want to stress that we should not feel shame.

But maybe we do feel shame (it often comes with the territory) but if "one in four" people struggle with a mental illness at some point, the prospective partner, your superior, has probably experienced this as well. Or, they probably know someone who has.

So, how can we approach a complicated situation? The woman starting a new relationship might want to tell her partner sooner rather than later. It saves stress on both sides.

Perhaps this seems cliche, but in my experience if a person is really interested in another, they will take the time to ask questions.

If they aren't comfortable with the illness, move on, someone else will be.

In connection to starting a new job, letting your employer know is on an individual basis. Often, it's too difficult to talk about our personal lives with those we have just met. Fair enough. But be prepared to explain what's going on if you hit a rough patch.

Mental illness does not define us; on the first few dates I would rather talk about what I do in my spare time, not what medication I take!

In summary? We all have "skeletons" in our closet. You decide when you are comfortable explaining your illness.