The Breakthrough After the Break-Up

This week I might see my ex-boyfriend, Grant. Everyone has an ex like Grant, you know, the guy you thought would be The One, who just turned out to be The One That Got Away.

I haven’t seen Grant since we broke up 5 years ago. Actually, it would be more accurate to say that I haven’t seen him since the day before I issued him a relationship ultimatum via email. Appropriately, he never responded. You should know that I’m aware that email is an inappropriate medium for such emotional expression. I’ve grown a lot since then, in all directions.

[caption id="attachment_97" align="alignleft" width="150"] photo courtesy of lissgallery.com[/caption]

I Want You to Want Me (Even if I Don’t Want You)

Every woman wants to look her best the first time she sees a former flame. Even if she has no intention of rekindling the romance, there’s nothing wrong with making an ex-boyfriend wish he’d never walked away. I’m no stranger to vanity and in my heart of hearts, I want Grant to look at me and drool. Yet, that’s probably not going to happen, since I was in the best shape of my adult life when I dated Grant. I thought I was smoking hot. Since then I’ve picked up an extra 50 lbs., the ill effects of emotional eating and depressive episodes that kept me in bed for weeks on end. I may not be particularly happy about the weight gain, but I’m probably more comfortable with it than my past – or potential – suitors. Also, I’m even happier about the other things I’ve gained.

With Great Clarity Comes a Great, Big Body?

Here’s the thing that Grant won’t notice when he looks at me now: an increase in emotional stability that has, fortunately, accompanied the increase in my dress size. I no longer use email for serious conversations, and I’m very aware of my role in both creating and diffusing issues in romantic relationships. Grant would be happy to learn that, since I caused a few useless fights when we were together. I also know when something isn’t my fault, and I’ve become very good at expressing my displeasure with others. Not that I was ever bad at pointing out Grant’s shortcomings; now I’d be more rational, less prone to crying, whining and passive aggression. This doesn’t change the fact that my behind now keeps moving long after I’ve stopped walking.

We’ll Always Have Cognitive Behavioral Therapy

As I struggle with slight anxiety at anticipating the lack of desire in Grant’s eyes, I try to silence my active inner critic. Yes, I’m a pretty well-adjusted woman with bipolar. Yes, I have many personal and professional accomplishments, made more astonishing in light of my struggles with mental illness. But my petty, emotional mind thinks I’m a fat Old Maid. Whatever. I’m not listening to her anymore. And Grant can kiss my ample posterior.

Find Tracey on Twitter, Facebook, and her personal blog.