Self-Harm and the Fascination with Pain
Whether it be cutting, bruising, burning, head banging or picking, one thing is for sure – pain is involved. Gross or not, some self-harmers are interested in blood and tissues and use self-injury to redirect his or her focus. Some self-harmers like the feeling it gives them because it allows their internal pain to be released. Like I’ve stated in the past, self-harm redirected me to something else to worry about – the mark, the pain, covering the cut with bracelets or make-up.
No matter what the reason is behind why those who self-harm do what they do, pain is a main focus.
The Fascination That Doesn’t Disappear
This past week, I got my arm grabbed and twisted when at work. The youth who did this was very strong and when he let go, it left my arm very swollen and bruises immediately started showing. I went to get it checked out and luckily it wasn’t broken or sprained – just very swollen and very bruised.
I’ve always had a weird interest in bruises. I’ve always pushed those I find on my bodyand if a friend has one on their arm, I tend to push the bruise just to annoy them (yes, I’m that friend). It has been something I’ve always done without thought and since I got this injury, I’ve started wondering:
For those who have stopped self-harming, does the fascination with pain ever go away?
I wonder if my tendency to pick randomly or push bruises are linked to my past of self-injury. Even when the self-injurious behaviors stop, it seems that our bodies are still attached to the idea of pain. I wonder if even though I haven’t cut in over five years, my body still seeks out self-injurious behaviors without my realization?
The body is a magnificent thing and I think it sometimes has more power than we think.
Recognize the Messages Your Body Sends
When our body is getting sick, you may start getting a sore throat a week or so before a full-out cold begins. When you forget to drink your daily coffee, you may get a headache from the lack of caffeine (that may mean you have a coffee addiction, which I understand).
So, when you want to rip off a scab or pick some old skin, stop yourself before you regret it.
The quicker you recognize your post self-harming behaviors, the more you will be able to catch yourself. However, this doesn’t mean it will be easy. It is hard to break, like any other habit. I still find myself reaching for my bruised arm and when I catch myself, I get irritated. It’s extremely hard to stop yourself from doing something you are used to, like any kind of addiction.
When you realize what behaviors need to be changed, the more likely you are to become successful with it.
You can also find Jennifer Aline Graham on Google+, Facebook, Twitter and her website is here. Find out more about Noon through Amazon.com.
APA Reference
Aline, J.
(2013, December 7). Self-Harm and the Fascination with Pain, HealthyPlace. Retrieved
on 2024, November 21 from https://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/speakingoutaboutselfinjury/2013/12/self-harm-and-the-fascination-with-pain
Author: Jennifer Aline Graham
I cut myself. I'm not suicidal and I wouldn't I am depressed although like everyone I can feel depressed or become depressed for a while. But it doesn't usually last long or happen often. No, I cut myself for some strange reasons. Some I know are unhealthy but some aren't.
1. I have had and sometimes still have low self esteem. I dont think of myself particularly manly or brave. In fact O felt like I was a bit of a coward as a kid. Although looking back I was actually just like everyone else. I dont like confrontation but I did stand up to bullies occasionally and even more so now I make myself heard when I need to. But that feeling I had as a kid has had some lasting impacts on my psyche. I was and to a point am obsessed with superheroes and hero type characters. I love comic books, movies and cartoons where the main character is percieved as weak or worthless but is actually strong and brave. In a way that's how I want to see myself. In the past I've felt like I'm perceived as weak or wierd or a loser. I'm overweight and wasn't very popular in school. I felt like a loser too. I pinned after the girls I saw but never made any moves or even believed I could have love. All the way until I was 19 years old I believed I would be alone forever because I'm a weird fat guy that has never even kissed a girl. So one day I was tired being a coward and wanted, no needed to prove to myself that i can be brave and for some reason my mind went to self harm. Cutting. For two reasons. I was afraid of pain and so if I could do this and not wus out I would prove to myself that I'm not a loser.
2. The cutting would leave scars. All the strong characters in movie and TV had scars. Anakin Skywalker, Nick Fury, Harry Potter you name it. I thought if I had scars that was more tangible proof that I'm not a coward or a loser. I started small. With a sewing pin and my upper arm. I carved shallow patterns that scared nicely. I was probably 14 or 15 at the time. Some are still visable today. I'm 24 now.
3. I had a fascination with gore and blood. I found it fascinating. At first I felt a little ashamed of this like it was weird or even psychotic. But I've come to realize its merely a curiosity. I get no sexual gratification from it and I dont fantasize about hurting others. In fact it does sometimes make me queasy. But I still have an intense fascination with the science of. The human body. I've watched plenty of documentaries and educational videos that use real cadavers. But anyway back on topic.
4. Sometimes occasionally I cut myself because I'm stressed or hurt and struggling to convey it to world and people around me so the cut is a way for my internal pain to become external. Something real the world cant deny.
It boils down to this. Firstly I like the pain because it proves I can push myself through something uncomfortable. Secondly I glorify the scars it leaves to make me feel stronger. I dont show them to other people, in fact now I'm a little ashamed if others see. But I still get a sense of pride when I look at them. I find myself mesmerized sometimes. It makes my internalized pain visable to the outside world even though I hide it out of shame not in myself but how I believe people would see me if they saw those cuts. Damaged. Sick. Beneath them. My fascination with blood and how it all works is also a draw for me.
I dont cut myself often. Its usually in bursts. Maybe once or twice a year. Sometimes it's one cut. Sometimes more. Actually now that I think about it I remember the first time I cut myself. I was around 6 or 7. I used a house key on the back of my hand. I think my reasoning was the fascination and scarification. But I really cant remember. All I know is its unhealthy but I'm simultaneously ashamed and proud of my scars. I just cut myself for the second time this year. The first time was a mixture of stress and wanting a new scar. This time was boredom and the fact that I had a new flip knife I was fiddling with. I've spoken to a therapist once. I enjoyed talking about it. My wife has experience with self harm and I hate how it makes her feel when she sees my scars. I think I might book in a session with another therapist. Yeah. Maybe it's time.