This Holiday, Please Don't Say These Things About My Eating Disorder

Patricia also made a great video about a year and a half ago about how to prepare for triggers in social situations. And while the food is panic-provoking, that is only half the battle. You also have to deal with people. I see family every year (which I look forward to) but because I only see these folks once or twice a year, I drive myself crazy wondering if I'm fatter or thinner than they saw me last. And, being well-meaning, loving people, my family want to tell me all sorts of supportive things about how great I look now that I'm in recovery. But, please, don't say these things about my eating disorder.

How the Eating Disorder Translates Comments

Unfortunately, well-meaning comments don't always sound supportive. One thing a lot of people don't understand is that having an eating disorder is a bit like having a dictator, an angry mob and a babelfish in your head all at once. Someone is always telling you what to do, the multitude of voices are always screaming about how you are falling short, and the eating disorder can twist any comment -- even the most innocuous -- into fuel for the fire. The following are some that tend to get easily twisted and things not to say about my eating disorder (ED).

• "You look so healthy!" -- No. Just no. I don't think I have ever heard this and taken in the complimentary way it was intended. For a lot of us with eating disorders (especially anorexia), "healthy" means "fat," or at the very least "not sick" (which translates to "not good enough at the ED"). Alternatives would be to tell your loved one how great it is to see them smiling and laughing again. Or how they seem so much more present this Christmas than when you last saw them. Or that you love seeing the light back in their eyes. These are things our eating disorders stole that have nothing to do with our physical beings.
• "I wish I could eat like that and stay so thin!" -- Or anything to this effect. In my mind, I hear, "Wow. You're such a pig!" If your loved one is bulimic, you're practically giving him or her the green light to go and purge. If your loved one is anorexic, he or she is probably very, very distressed about the amount of food on his/her plate and would prefer you don't call attention to it.
• "Have you tried yoga/vitamin Z/weight watchers/eating kale/raising butterflies/whatever?" -- You mean well, we know. But especially if we aren't regularly in contact (i.e., I only see you a few times a year) and you're not aware of the details of my eating disorder, it's really best that you leave the treatment planning to the professionals. If you are a medical or mental health professional, that's another story, but really, if I'm trying to choke down my ham and sweet potatoes, I'd like to talk about anything other than my eating disorder at that moment.
• "You look like you've lost weight -- are you doing okay?" -- Here is what I hear (as filtered through the ED-translate software): "You look like you've lost weight. That is awesome. Keep doing what you're doing." Even a year-and-a-half into solid recovery, I still hear this comment this way. I still wake up every day and hope my pants are just a little loose and that someone will remark that I look thinner. Similar to the "healthy" comment, if you are worried about us, please find a way to relay this concern that doesn't involve our weight or bodies.
• "You don't look like you have an eating disorder." -- How do I need to look, exactly, in order for you to believe I have a life threatening illness? Eating disorders come in all shapes and sizes. Saying this simply invalidates your loved one's illness and often translates into "you're not good enough at your eating disorder because you're not skeletal like all the girls on TV." Just strike this sentence from your vocabulary entirely.

And honestly? I'd love it if you treat me completely normally and ask about the books I've read lately or how I'm liking my job. Those things are more of the real me than my eating disorder ever was.

I'm missing some, no doubt. I would love to hear from other sufferers so that our loved ones know how they can best support our recoveries when talking with us.

Jess can also be found on Google+, Facebook and Twitter.