My Eating Disorder Is Not at the Forefront of My Mind Right Now

Here is a truth about me that I once believed to be impossible: My eating disorder is not at the forefront of my mind right now—and I love the way it feels. All my mental energy used to be allocated to tracking how many calories I ate, miles I ran, or pounds I weighed. I fixated on these so incessantly, in fact, that I had no stamina and concentration to focus on anything else.

My universe orbited around the eating disorder and locked me into a continued state of self-absorption. I could not see past the narrow scope of my own body, and I lost sight of how to care about other humans in the process. I forgot to feel compassion because all my emotions had gone numb. My one concern was the number on a scale—nothing seemed to matter but this. However, my priorities are much different these days, and the reason why is clear: My eating disorder is not at the forefront of my mind right now. And I intend to keep it that way. 

How My World Has Changed Without an Eating Disorder on My Mind  

It's astounding to think about how much time, effort, and brainpower I used to waste on controlling the shape of my torso or width of my thighs. I had no meaningful contributions to offer the world because I was too busy following the mandates of an eating disorder that wanted to dim the life out of me. 

Not until I began to ask some pointed questions did I realize just how acutely the eating disorder had shrunk my worldview. Although it's been an uncomfortable journey, I have since watched myself become more empathetic, self-aware, generous, and others-focused. This is not to claim any kind of moral excellence—I am just a human in-process. But now that my eating disorder is not at the forefront of my mind, I can answer these questions below with confidence, passion, kindness, and conviction. I am free to care about something outside my own body.      

1. Which relationships could I strengthen or amend if I chose to prioritize my spouse, friends, and relatives instead of my eating disorder? 
2. Which areas of injustice or inequality could I work to overturn if my spare time was not consumed with hours of exercise?
3. Which activities could I join in the community to expand my social horizons if I no longer felt insecure about my appearance around others?
4. Which new skills, pursuits, and hobbies could I learn if my mental bandwidth was not depleted by constant food restriction?
5. Which lives could I impact, and how could I make a difference in this world if my purpose was not restrained by the loud, critical voice of an eating disorder at the forefront of my mind?

Have you noticed that your own eating disorder is not at the forefront of your mind right now? Has this liberated you to embrace more abundance in your life, experience a new level of depth and connection in your relationships, or broaden your worldview in some meaningful way? Please share in the comment section below.