I Have No Regrets About My Eating Disorder

This might seem like a bold, hyperbolic claim, but it just so happens to be true: I have no regrets about my eating disorder. Of course, there are some behaviors I am not proud of, relationships I have worked fiercely to restore, and memories I still flinch at. But in terms of actual regret, I simply think it's a wasted emotion. While I have absolutely no desire to relive those 15 years of battling anorexia, this formative chapter in my life transformed me into who I am right now—a person for whom I feel genuine love and respect. So if you'll indulge me for a few minutes, I will unpack why I have no regrets about my eating disorder. 

The Reasons Why I Have No Regrets About My Eating Disorder

As a disclaimer: I realize my lack of regret is not a universal human response to traumatic life circumstances, so if you do feel the aches and pains of regret, I want to be clear that I will never judge your experience. Everyone's path in eating disorder recovery is unique. With that being said, I've come to understand in my own healing process that I cannot have those lost years back, nor can I change any of the actions I took or choices I made.

Moreover, I don't want to. As miserable, fearful, lonely, and hopeless as I felt under the control of my eating disorder, I also know that I had to face a season of rock bottom in order to grow, heal, thrive, and ultimately become whole. Sometimes, it requires a tremendous loss, failure, or collapse to mobilize me in the direction of lessons I need to learn or course corrections I need to make. Had anorexia not brought me to my knees, I wouldn't have embarked on the journey to recover—and that would have been a shame because eating disorder recovery continues to be the honor of my life. I am a better person for having climbed this mountain.

The experience has taught me humility and strength, vulnerability and resilience, empathy and courage. It showed me that I am capable of enduring whatever obstacles I encounter, but it also humbled me enough to ask for help when I need someone else's endurance to lean on. As I clawed out of anorexia's stronghold, I also left behind the fear, isolation, self-loathing, and insecurities that caused my eating disorder in the first place. I overcame more than an illness—I freed myself from a lifetime of mindsets that no longer served me. In the process, I've become a self-aware human who is open to growth but equally accepts, nurtures, and celebrates who I am at this moment. That is why I have no regrets about my eating disorder.