If you've ever attempted recovery from your eating disorder-- especially if you've been in a eating disorder treatment center -- you've likely heard this refrain at least once: Secrets keep you sick. It's true. Secrets keep us sick. Eating disorders thrive on secrets. How else could you get by for so long with binging and purging, with eating less than X calories a day, with exercising for hours on end, with spending hundreds of dollars a month on binges? It's not likely that you're broadcasting these things (I certainly didn't) or someone would hold you accountable.

I caught myself thinking the other day, "I wish I JUST had an eating disorder" or "I wish I JUST had bipolar." Meaning, of course, that I wish I only had to deal with one of my many mental health diagnoses as opposed to dealing with them all at once.

Recovering from an eating disorder isn’t particularly easy at any time of the year, but I always find it especially difficult around the New Year. For starters, you’ve just gotten through the holidays, which are extremely stressful in and of themselves, even if you don’t have an eating disorder. And then come New Year’s resolutions. If your eating disorder is anything like mine, it rejoices at the idea of flying under the radar and hitching a ride on everyone else’s “Get fit in 2013!” wagon.

If you're in recovery from an eating disorder, you can join me now in a collective sigh of relief.  We survived the holidays.

I'm Jess. I'm twenty seven. I love to take jumping pictures. I have more books than my bookcase can hold, all organized by genre. I sing along to Broadway show tunes while I work. I graduated with a bachelor's degree in Psychology and History and I’m in the process of applying to graduate schools. I have huge heart for people with special needs and mental illnesses. Oh, and I'm recovering from Anorexia Nervosa.

I'm both happy and sad right now. Happy because I have landed my dream job. Sad because that means I will no longer be writing this blog. It's been a tumultuous, frustrating, and yet rewarding two years since I started writing Surviving ED.

For years, I have dreaded this time of the year. So much food. Turkey. Stuffing. Cranberry sauce. Pie... I tried everything to get out of the Thanksgiving and Christmas family get-togethers. One year, I had the perfect excuse — I fell down two flights of stairs, causing minor injuries and a massive headache. This year I'm looking forward to the holiday.

Two years ago, I spoke with HealthyPlace's, Gary Koplin, on "De-Romanticizing Anorexia." I was asked to write Surviving ED, an eating disorders recovery blog, after that video post. I vowed to be completely honest when I started writing this blog. In some ways, it has been both a painful and rewarding two years.

Recovery from an eating disorder offers many gifts. Health. Restored relationships with family and friends. New life. Freedom. And it's true. Eating disorder recovery does mean all of these things, and more. But that's not the gift I'm talking about. This gift is much more subtle and may seem to be a curse at first.

21 October 2010 Too much strain. Too many failures. Never better. Never good enough. I can't handle it anymore. Sorry, I love you, Angela I had tried. God knows I had tried, but I couldn't seem to recover from anorexia no matter what I did. I just couldn't seem to find the strength to get better and really live. So I decided to kill myself. I climbed up on a chair, wrapped my favorite red scarf around my neck several times, and then tied it to the chandelier in my dining room. I made sure it was tight. All I had to do was kick the chair away from me. I couldn't do it.