The Gray Area of Suicide: Suicidal Ideation

I didn’t know there was a word for this. I thought I was just overreacting to negative situations by thinking about dying/how I would die. Feeling sad and wondering if people would really miss me if I died, wondering if life is worth living anymore. What happens for me is that I’ll have these troubling thoughts even if I’m doing ok or am even really happy about something. It’s like a constant error message; there are times where it’s easier to not listen to it than others. When I’m able to take a step back and realize that I don’t really feel this way/I don’t have to listen to everything I think of, what my brain thinks I “deserve” and whatnot, I feel a lot more in control and can get into a better state of mind. But it’s hard to do that, I’m just glad I’m not alone in this.

Hi. My name is Mayah. When I’m around people and interacting with them, I don’t notice my problems. Everything seems okay. But when I’m alone, I wonder if I will suddenly die. Ultimately, I don’t want to die. I don’t mind my life. I just don’t know what causes me to think the way I do. I can’t see myself ending my life in “traditional” ways, but I would be lying if I didn’t say that the thought of hurting myself was really bad. I am not acting on suicide. But I know that thinking about it is wrong, anyway.

Thank you for this topic. I too, have constant thoughts of suicide and how I would do it. I’ve never come close to acting on them thank goodness, but with having a very limited amount of friends and basically no family to tell these things to, I feel so much more alone. I AM ALONE. The last time I reached out to a friend just saying I needed her to just come to see me and do nothing but listen or hold my hand, I was so upset that she tried to pass me off on anyone else. The same friend who said “she’d be there for me through anything”, now was slamming the door in my face.
I’ve no one who visits. Therefore I’ve let the depression tell me “who cares what this place looks like”, when it’s only ever me and my dog I love more than life.
My reaching out has become limited to sites like this which is awesome but I crave human connection and a HUG from someone I care about. Those are becoming fewer and fewer in numbers. I’m afraid for myself most days of what’s going to become of me? I don’t have this under control, but if someone sees me out and I look normal they think I’ve got it all together. I feel as if friends think I’m crying wolf when I’ve reached out. That’s the last thing I’ve ever wanted to do is ask for such a simple thing as a shoulder and an ear.
Thank you all for being here. I wish we didn’t need to be, but it’s a huge help to know someone is.

Almost exactly the same as my experiences with suicide, it is always there, I too have no fear of death, I can keep it it the background using the realisation that it will pass. I have chronic depression that I have learned how to live a meaningful life with, but in dips of mood, (for however long they last) the thoughts raise their heads, just to remind me that they will never leave and are ready to take control if I let them, nowadays I choose not to let them, but they are always there!

Thank you for sharing this incredibly honest and important read. This is such an important topic and not one that gets openly discussed or addressed. Talking openly and remembering that the feeling is temporary is critical to helping and changing.