Verbal Abuse Turns Love Into a Tool of Abuse

Verbal abuse is used to diminish the victim's power. It is used to paralyze the mind and maim the heart, leaving the victim to feel so small and worthless that they become dependent on only the abuser. Only the abuser's opinion matters because s/he holds the key to the victim's happiness and pain. Pleasing the abuser (avoiding pain) is priority number one.

But abuse doesn't happen in a vacuum. The victim must feel as if they're doing more than avoiding pain to stay in and make sense of the abusive relationship. The victim must feel a higher purpose is at work to rationalize his or her participation in a relationship that causes them fear and sadness.

Verbal Abuse Turns Love Into a Ruse

Love excuses sins, doesn't it? If you really love someone, you love them no matter what they do to you or anyone else.

Perhaps victims feel they must love their abuser (father, wife, sibling) or feel forced to love them (step-parent or step-sibling) by someone or some situation they do care about.

Love is misused and backwardly defined in abusive relationships. Abusers know their victim loves them, so it is unlikely that the victim will abandon them. Love ensures that the abuser won't lose their punching bag, so the abuser tosses the word 'love' about as if it were important, as if the abuser understands what it means to love another person.

Alas, abusers only love themselves. Why else would they tolerate the look of pain on their victim's (loved one's) face in order to win an argument or secure themselves a position of power?

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. . ."

The abuser expects the victim to exhibit that type of biblical love. On that point, abuser and victim agree. The victim expects it of herself, too. But she does not expect it of the abuser...at least not today. She expects it to appear in the abuser tomorrow.

Verbal Abuse Forces Love to be Illusion

Whenever a person feels forced to love someone (parent-child relationship or promise such as marriage), the person will fabricate a reason to feel love rather than deny its existence. Love is a beautiful feeling when it is true. I don't know of one person who doesn't want to feel love. Even the possibility of creating love causes us to endure hardships we would never tolerate if the promise of love weren't there.

The abuser, who loves only them-self, will inflict pain on others in order to keep their self-love strong. The victim, who loves more than them-self, will accept the pain in order to keep the illusion of love strong.

The only true love in the abusive relationship is the love the abuser feels for them-self. All else is imagination.

Verbal Abuse Turns Love into a Weapon

The abuser uses verbal abuse to increase the victim's illusion of love. Have you noticed how kind an abuser can be right after she pushes her victim to the verge of leaving? Have you seen your abuser's angry red face grow calm as soon as you lost your temper?

When an abuser senses she's pushed her victim too hard, she quickly pulls back and can become quite loving. This abrupt turnabout in behavior causes the victim to doubt their previous feelings. The loving victim "can't be mad", "must forgive and forget", and "move beyond" the recent past. That's what Love would do. Doing the "right" thing causes the victim to believe they overreacted to their abuser's behaviors.

Victims wonder, "How could someone so sweet be abusive? I must be imagining things..." Yes, victim, you are imagining things. You are imagining that love exists in your relationship.

You are imagining that your sweetie is not abusive. Your abuser is biding their time until it's safe to take the love-mask off again.

Love, to the abuser, is a weapon to be used on you to get what they want. They want you to love them unconditionally so you will stick around and be their willing punching bag. That helps your abuser feel better about them-self.

That way, the abuse is as much your fault as his, and he can rationalize that he's done nothing wrong because, after all, you are still there, loving him.

You can find Kellie Jo Holly on her website, Facebook and Twitter.

*Both women and men could be abusers or victims. Don't take my pronoun choice as a belief that one gender abuses and the other is victimized.