The Path Into Abuse

The solutions to ending verbal, mental, emotional and physical abuse are disheartening. We tell families of abuse victims: "There's nothing you can do until s/he's ready to accept what is happening." We tell abuse victims: "The solution to your problem is inside of you. No one else can solve this problem for you."

The "solutions" seem mystical, magical...untouchable. The solutions leave abuse victims, already reality-impaired, with the sense that all they can do is wait and hope that someone or God will eventually flip the switch and life will become sweet. The solutions feed into the theory of co-dependency which in part states that at some level, co-dependents wait for rescue instead of using their innate powers to change their situation.

Our generic, flighty advice to abuse victims feeds into their abuse-altered belief that the world turns separately from them, uncontrolled and cruel, until the world "decides" to alter its course. In a way, this belief mirrors the actions of the abuser to whom victims see to be all-powerful and unconquerable. The abuser assumes power, takes it forcibly from their victim in hateful ways, and then, one day, turns around and gifts their victim with shows of affection or remorse.

Our destructive advice to abuse victims perpetuates the idea that the victim's solution is, in essence, dependent on the abuser. Is it any wonder why abuse victims remain in abusive relationships knowing that they feel their personal solution is embodied in the abuser? If you deeply felt your personal solutions were embodied in a stone, would you deny yourself that stone?

Unfortunately, due to the deep and complete attachment victims develop with their abuser, the victim is not initially able to see the reality of their predicament.

Path to Dependency

Victims did not consciously attach themselves to the abuser - it was a subconscious occurrence that took place over time at the direction of the abuser. The abuser consciously or subconsciously led their victim toward an alternate reality wherein the abuser's thoughts and actions are "right" and the victim's perceptions are essentially "wrong".

The path of persuasion and deception offered by the abuser intrigued the victim who truly wanted to understand the abuser's thought process (isn't that what we do when we love someone? seek to understand so unconditional love may flourish?). In the process of understanding the abuser, the victim becomes enmeshed in the abuser's alternate version of reality. In many ways, the victim comes to accept the abuser's version above their own (to avoid punishment or pain and to receive love and acceptance).

Something Is Wrong

The "something" sensed is the victim's loss of self. The family feels as if they're "losing" their son/daughter. The victim, due to dependency, cannot discern the loss of self as such because s/he is so connected to the abuser.

The victim searches for the solution in multiple places: maybe the relationship is in trouble, too much stress due to work, a substance abuse issue, or some other outward issue that can be addressed and healed. The family thinks removing the abuser is the solution (more correct than the victim's solution, yet perhaps not as effective as they think).

Separation of Me and You

In order for the true problem to resolve, the victim must separate themselves from the abuser and regain power over themselves. However, if the victim physically leaves the abuser due to family or societal pressures, s/he may return quickly.

You see, physical abuse is the end result of unsuccessful mental and emotional abuse (the abuser strikes physically when s/he feels the tried and true methods are faltering). Therefore, physically leaving the abuser before addressing the ties that bind (emotional and mental abuse) often results in a speedy return. It is important to address the issue as close to the root cause as possible and work outward for lasting success.

Please understand, I do not advise a person who is being physically assaulted to stay in the home because their "attachment issues" are unresolved. If you are physically abused or sense impending physical violence, leave immediately. It is possible and recommended that if you feel you can physically leave your abuser now, then do so now and work on the attachment issues from a safe physical distance.

The problem is that most abuse victims do not feel capable of physically leaving the abuser. There are a million reasons to stay, underneath all is the idea that the victim cannot survive alone. Families say, "You won't be alone - you'll be with us!" yet for a person completely enmeshed into the abuser, the idea of forsaking the abuser for any other person seems counter-intuitive and self-destructive.

There is no way to draw out a victim from an abusive relationship until the victim sees themselves as a separate entity, capable of making judgments on their own. (Well, if you happen to be a more attractive version of the abuser the victim is already with and can convince the victim you will treat them better, then you also have a shot at grabbing up a new victim.) The realization that ending abuse forever resides within the victim is the basis for the disheartening advice we toss about as a society. It is true, but it is not the end step. You, family or victim, are powerful and can bring about true and lasting change without once depending on the abuser to participate.

In the next blog, The Path Out of Abuse, you'll find ways to lead yourself (or your loved one) out of abuse as efficiently and quickly as possible.