Can You Protect the Children from Domestic Abuse?

Years ago, I bore two sons into my abusive marriage. Young and naïve, I thought my husband would change into a loving man when he felt unconditional love from and for the children. I thought that real love would end his cruelty toward me, and that he and I would create a loving family. I thought wrong.

To make it worse, I denied that I made a mistake in judgment. Instead of admitting the mistake and leaving my husband to create a better life for the children and me, I latched onto the sour excuse that our children deserved an intact family. I told myself that I could protect the children from pain. However, attempting to protect the children from domestic abuse turned out to be a mistake.

Somewhere in my denial, I came to believe that if I could make him love me and show him how to love others, then we would all be happy. To make happiness a reality, I would need to erase the bad things that haunted us. Erase the behaviors that ingrained themselves into our lives and psyches.

Erasing the damage caused by domestic abuse is impossible; healing from domestic abuse can happen, but I can never erase the emotional and mental abuses my children absorbed.

Impossible to Protect the Children from Domestic Abuse

Here is a story I wrote years ago about my attempt to protect the children. Do you ever feel this way?

Tornapart

We have no warning; we huddle in the dark as the tornado howls and screams and pray the storm will silence itself. There in the blackness, I press myself between them and the storm, protecting them, I think. But the turbulence and violence of the storm's deafening words leave subtle marks on their faces and deep welts on their hearts. The storm feels terrifyingly never-ending, but eventually it moves away into the distance.

As the fear of the storm clears and the sun returns, I look at the faces of my children. We smile at one another and pretend that the sunshine is here to stay. But beneath our relieved sighs lie jangled nerves. We glance about nervously to see if the storm is truly gone. We move about, hug each other, love each other and try to form peace by preparing for the next storm.

And after I feel prepared, after I think I've armed my children and myself with the necessities and fortitude to withstand another stint in the screaming dark, I feel a little better. The children know I feel better. They believe the storm cannot ever hurt them again. We let ourselves be ourselves. We relax and we laugh.

But eventually the storm comes back stronger and smarter. It takes out the necessities first, and then sets its violence to breaking down the fortifications I thought were impenetrable. Brick by brick by brick, we are exposed to the winds, the icy hail, the feeling that someone took the floor out from under us.

The storm tosses me through the black air, and wildly I grasp for the children I vowed to protect. But I am unable to hold them, unable to shield them and unable to prevent them from believing it is better to be the storm than the mom.

Hindsight Wisdom to Protect The Children - Your Children

In hindsight, the lesson is clear: I hurt my children and myself by staying with a person who abused us. There was no way to protect the children. I couldn’t even protect myself. Now my children must wrestle with the thoughts of who they want to be -- the storm or its victim. There doesn’t seem to be another choice when those two examples are all they’ve known.

If you live with your abusive mate for the children, please think again. It is better for your children to have two homes than to have only one abusive home where they never feel safe and cannot escape.

You can find Kellie Jo Holly on her website, Amazon Authors, Google+, Facebook and Twitter.

*Both women and men could be abusers or victims, so do not take my pronoun choices as an implication that one gender abuses and the other is victimized.