Mourning a Relationship I Never Had

For many verbal abuse victims, like myself, one of the most challenging aspects of moving forward is accepting the reality of the situation. I had an extremely difficult time in my healing journey until I realized that I could never have the relationship with my abuser that I wanted. 

I spent several years using my mental and physical energy on trying to make the relationship work the way I thought it should be or how I wanted it to be. Now looking back, there were instances when my spouse would ask me why I tried desperately for approval from people who obviously didn't care about me. Of course, I would retort that I didn't need approval, but after years of therapy, maybe I wanted acceptance more, which never came. 

Mourning a Relationship I Never Had

Having spent years of therapy focusing on my feelings and actions while dealing with verbal abuse, I can now see how hard I tried to maintain a relationship that would never be there for me. However, after accepting this reality, I did become angry for some time. 

I was mad that I was cheated out of a positive relationship. I was mad that I could never get that time back to make it better. I was angry that these individuals treated me with abuse and left me feeling abandoned, unworthy, and unloved. This anger did last for quite some time because I was unable to move past it for many years. 

Small Steps When You're Mourning a Relationship That Never Was

Unfortunately, once I progressed through my anger, I began to focus on trying to replace the void I had. Searching for someone to fill this need for me made me sad about the relationship I never had. So, as I take small steps in my recovery, I know I don't have to find a new connection to replace the one I didn't receive. 

I am also learning how to avoid jealousy toward those individuals in my life that have excellent relationships with their parents, spouses, family members, and friends. Therefore, moving forward, instead of wondering why I did not have a chance to have a great relationship free of abuse, I focus more now on developing and cultivating abuse-free relationships with the people in my life now. 

As you break free from abuse, you too may experience similar emotions. Learning how to face life without abuse can be confusing and bring you anxiety with unfamiliar territory. However, it is a worthwhile journey, and everyone deserves to have positive relationships at every stage in their life.