Seeing Verbal Abuse More Clearly Now During Recovery

Many individuals, including myself, can take notice of subtleties later when they are no longer the object of verbal abuse. It shocks me as I look back and replay many of these instances in my head. There were several reasons why, however, I never recognized it as abusive, which led me to remain in the same situation for years.

These reasons include: 

• I grew up with verbal abuse in the home as normal behavior. 
• I was accustomed to verbal abuse being a form of love. 
• I felt I deserved the hurtful words. 
• I thought I wasn't worthy of anything better.
• My abuser and those supporting them downplayed the abusive actions. 

Recognizing Past Abuses Is Often Followed by Anger 

Working through therapy has given me many tools to deal with my emotions and feelings as I process my abusive past. However, all the resources in the world never prepared me for the intense anger I had been carrying, which surfaced as I began to recognize the abuse. 

I was angry at my abusers because of how they treated me. I was upset at the people in my life who could have done something and turned away or ignored me during my most vulnerable times. Finally, I was angry at myself for staying in the situation and putting up with it for so long. 

I am the type of person that likes answers. I want to know why things happen the way they do or the reasons why people behave and act a certain way. Unfortunately, it has been difficult for me to realize that I may never know the answers. This unknowing has made moving forward in my healing journey more challenging as I struggle to heal without knowing why my abusers behaved the way they did. 

Learning to Let Go When You Recognize Abuse in the Past

Healing without knowing why some individuals chose to hurt me or why those close to me disregarded my story and shamed me has been one of the most complex parts of my journey. Some days I want to ignore these individuals and act like they are no longer relevant in my life. However, other days I want to stand up in front of them and scream.

I want to know why they cannot see or recognize the abuse I suffered. I want acknowledgment, not pity. I am not looking for someone to think I am some martyr, only that the abuse was not invisible, and there are two sides to every situation. Unfortunately, learning to let go of this desire for validation is one of the most difficult aspects of my healing journey.  

I am slowly moving toward a more peaceful life and realize that I no longer need to justify my feelings or thoughts to those individuals who refuse to see my abuse. Of course, I still have days when I want people to realize what I have been through, but when facing disregard or denial, I'm learning to let go and surround myself with those who can support me instead.