Blogs
My coworker Ricky is a photographer, and I asked him to take some pictures for my personal blog. Upon hearing its name he said, “You’re bipolar? Cool." Ricky is the kind of person who appreciates perceived shortcomings as character building. And he likes people with a lot of character.
If you are a verbal abuse sufferer, your abuser tells you how selfish you are on a regular basis. You listen to your abuser's opinion on this matter with bated breath, waiting to hear how you are acting selfishly so you can stop doing it...right now! The backwards thing about it is that you martyred yourself for the relationship by sacrificing so many of your own "selfish" desires that you are now creating a confined, tiny life full of limitless impossibilities.
When I picked up Bob from a week-long visit with his father last weekend, I knew it was going to be a tough day. It always is when he comes back from these visits. I never know what exactly to expect, just that conflict will arise.
This time, the conflict was within me.
My name is Natalie Jeanne Champagne and welcome to my blog, Recovering from Mental Illness. I am twenty-six years old and am a freelance writer among other things. (People are, of course, much more than their chosen profession!) I have spent the last couple of years working to lessen the stereotype of mental health issues and this blog will reflect that.
I have published a book, "The Third Sunrise: A Memoir of Madness" on my experience with bipolar disorder and addiction. You can learn more about it on my website @ www.thethirdsunrise.com
I have already laid out some ideas on procrastination. This time, I want to speak about delaying paperwork, especially invoicing for the self-employed and expense reports for those employed.
Recently I spent the night in the psychiatric emergency room. While I was there, the police brought a suicidal drunk woman in. Short version: she created a huge disruption, refused treatment, tried to leave and was eventually arrested for public intoxication.
Mental illness, especially when combined with a substance abuse disorder, is an easy way to wind up in jail.
During my abusive marriage, I learned a disordered and negative coping mechanism. The coping mechanism made me behave manipulatively. It sometimes made me wonder if I was the abuser. This coping mechanism kept me blind to the real danger I lived in but very aware of how much I blamed only myself for causing so much pain. Some call this particular disordered coping mechanism codependency.
I talk about bi-polar disorder. As in, two poles - mania/hypomania and depression. The name is extremely descriptive.
But as it turns out, there is something in the middle (besides normalcy, whatever that is); it's called a mixed mood episode. Mixed moods possess distinct characteristics of both depression and mania. Mixed moods severely impair judgement and carry a significant risk of suicide.
The terms repressed memory and recovered memory gained popularity in the mid-1980's along with the multiple personality disorder diagnosis. As a result, these terms are still strongly associated with dissociative identity disorder (DID) (the replacement label for MPD in the United States since 1994). They're also strongly associated with unethical therapeutic practices, false memories of abuse, and lives destroyed by both. And while those associations have merit, repressed and recovered memories aren’t generally as dramatic and rare as their inflammatory connotations suggest.
Anxiety likes to keep us in boxes. Little boxes, with four walls and a steady stream of same, same, similar, same. Don't stray too far now. Don't, should, must,... and after a while your mind stops using the windows, let alone the door.
I read this book many years ago, just as I was entering the turmoil of remembering, questioning and doubting myself all the way (as I'd been covertly taught over a lifetime). I happened to mention to my two sisters one day, "This is so strange but I've been diagnosed with PTSD." Both my sisters surprised me by responding, "Me too."
THEN I happened upon an old book manuscript that my now deceased father had written (not published), wherein the protagonist was obviously based upon himself and he rapes his "fiancee," who had my unusual name. Yes, truly.
Then I made myself look at the peculiar memory I always had where he violently threatened me but somehow I had never been able to recall what came before or after the episode. I had to admit that was a bit strange.
The pressures and powers to forget sexual abuse are great, both in family and society. In fact, I've come to the sad conclusion that the vast majority of survivors never really deal with their childhood wounds (a neglect for which there are always repercussions).
To critique an encouragement of people trusting their intuition in such matters is really getting the prescription dangerously wrong.
Thanks!