Blogs
I've always had a complicated relationship with my body. I've carried this discomfort with me everywhere I've gone. I've been conscious of how my shirt fell across my stomach, critical of how my jeans fit after a meal. I've wanted my body to be different, so I could feel different. I've counted calories in secret, avoided looking in the mirror, and exercised obsessively. And when nothing changed, my hatred for my body increased. But I don't hate my body anymore. What happened? How did I get here?
I think hot weather makes bipolar disorder worse. It seems to do this in multiple ways. Some of this is my opinion, while some of it is based on evidence. Regardless, though, hot weather definitely makes my bipolar worse.
When you experience a panic attack, the physical sensations are so intense they often cloud your judgment. For example, you may hyperventilate while the room seems to spin and your heart is about to race out of your chest. Some people may also feel like they're cornered in a flight-or-fight situation and may even self-harm during a panic attack. Why does that happen? I'm not sure I have the answers, but I can offer my personal insight.
Borderline personality disorder (BPD) can be an isolating disorder. I have spent many years feeling separate from other people and like an outsider in social situations. These feelings started when I was a child and have continued into adulthood, although they have changed.
Britney Spears' conservatorship has been a hot topic since she was able to say her piece in court on June 23. It's caused fans to rally behind her, supporting her as she struggles with being under other peoples' control for more than a decade and the impact that's had on her mental wellbeing. Perhaps ironically, it was a mental health crisis that kicked off the conservatorship, to begin with. I can't help but wonder, what has been mental health stigma's role in keeping that conservatorship in place?
Before I chose to start the journey of freedom from my eating disorder in 2017, I took it as a source of pride that I rarely shed tears or expressed vulnerable emotions. The sheer fact I was able to count on one hand the number of times I cried in a 10-year period felt like a badge of honor. I feared the consequences of vulnerability, assuming any crack in my hard, stoic exterior would leave me open to rejection or betrayal. But underneath this tough shell of self-protection, there's always been a sensitive, compassionate soul with emotions that run deep and tears that ache to flow. Reclaiming those tears now feels cathartic for me, and I think it's important to name this as part of my healing process.
I've been learning in therapy that so many of the things I've accepted as "fact" all my life are actually subjective beliefs passed down from my family. I loved the challenge my therapist set me this week of deconstructing my family's beliefs on various topics, including mental health.
A self-harm mantra may not be the magical cure we wish it could be, but it can be a powerful tool to help you focus and stay motivated on the road to self-harm recovery. Here are a few ideas to help you choose or craft your own healing mantra.
I missed my last scheduled blog post due to illness, but in truth, I was relieved because aside from the gastric flu wreaking havoc with my digestive system, I didn't have anything to talk about. I was (and am) doing well. When I sat down to write this week's piece, I had a similar bittersweet realization. This blog is "Coping with Depression," but at the moment, I don't feel as though I am "coping" with anything in particular. I am, for all intents and purposes, recovered from depression. Does that mean I should give up writing this blog? I think not.
My mom and I go north to Door County in Wisconsin together every spring for our mother-daughter weekend--just the two of us. We go back up with the rest of the family later in the summer. Last year, things were very restricted because of COVID-19. This year, we were vaccinated. Being vaccinated really helped with my schizoaffective anxiety, and it also made a big difference for our trip.
I read this book many years ago, just as I was entering the turmoil of remembering, questioning and doubting myself all the way (as I'd been covertly taught over a lifetime). I happened to mention to my two sisters one day, "This is so strange but I've been diagnosed with PTSD." Both my sisters surprised me by responding, "Me too."
THEN I happened upon an old book manuscript that my now deceased father had written (not published), wherein the protagonist was obviously based upon himself and he rapes his "fiancee," who had my unusual name. Yes, truly.
Then I made myself look at the peculiar memory I always had where he violently threatened me but somehow I had never been able to recall what came before or after the episode. I had to admit that was a bit strange.
The pressures and powers to forget sexual abuse are great, both in family and society. In fact, I've come to the sad conclusion that the vast majority of survivors never really deal with their childhood wounds (a neglect for which there are always repercussions).
To critique an encouragement of people trusting their intuition in such matters is really getting the prescription dangerously wrong.
Thanks!