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We all want to achieve our goals, but the fear of failure can prevent you from getting what you want. When we decide we want to make a change, set a goal, or try something new, we get excited and energized, but often these feelings deflate when the daunting task of taking action sets in. Our self-confidence is often the first thing to fade, and without that, it's hard to achieve our goals. But I've got just the thing to conquer your fear of failure and achieve your goals.
In 1981 a lazy doctor almost killed me. Who knows, maybe he was having a busy day, maybe he was hungry and just trying to get to lunch. Maybe he thought he knew so much about run-of-the-mill infections that he didn’t need to know so much about the unique disposition of individual patients. Whatever the reason, when I needed an antibiotic he failed to read my chart before prescribing a medication that my chart clearly noted as a possible danger.
What followed was a nightmare that lasted for over 25 years.
Last night I woke at 2:45 AM from a nightmare drenched in a cold sweat. In the dream, I was trapped at home with my kids, while something strange was going on outside. We had to hide, lest we be shot at through the windows. The worse part was we weren't quite sure what was happening, so we did not know what to do to stop it.
All of my nightmares are similar to this one. I am in the middle of a war zone, hiding-- knowing that at any minute, I will be found by the enemy.
Picture this: you are sitting in your psychiatrist's office and you are probably tapping your foot, and watching while he or she takes notes--- quick and swift notes that seem to determine your fate. I don't think it's ever a comfortable situational, but it is, above all else, an important relationship. Yes, those sometimes irritating conversations in which we explain our damn feelings, well, that's part of our recovery.
There is this whole notion that simply by saying the words, “I’m bipolar” you’re somehow overidentifying with bipolar disorder. In other words, you’re allowing the disease to define who you are. Well, naturally, I find this to be ludicrous and I don’t need to play word games in order to individuate myself as a person.
Nevertheless, I admit that bipolar is a huge part of my life and I make no apologies for that. If you were sick every moment of your life it would have quite an impact on you too.
When it comes to the statistics about domestic abuse, it doesn't matter to me how many men to how many women experience domestic violence. Domestic violence is a power issue more than a gender issue. Intimate Partner Violence affects men and women, and I really do not care in what proportion.
Domestic violence will not end until
no person seeks power over another person, or
every person learns to recognize the tactics of control and manipulation early in a relationship so they can make the decision to get out before the abuser hurts them (more).
I do not see the day when no person seeks power over another. I believe the majority of people want and work for equitable relationships, but I also believe there will always be those who do not. I think the desire for power over another person is a temptation all of us battle with at times. Some of us win that battle, and some of us lose ourselves in it.
Facing my addiction to alcohol will involve a great deal of facing my past. Like my borderline personality disorder (BPD), my alcoholism did not develop overnight and a large part of the problem lies in past trauma. Just as my BPD will impact my treatment, so will the root of the problem: my past.
Yesterday I was thinking about the nature of addiction on a road trip I was on. The drive served to provide me with a few thoughts I’d like to share.
In order to combat something, one first must learn everything one can know about the subject at hand. Meaning, if we are to fight stigma, we need to know why it exists, what motivates its spread and what purpose it serves for those who endorse it.
Recovery from an eating disorder offers many gifts.
Health. Restored relationships with family and friends. New life. Freedom.
And it's true. Eating disorder recovery does mean all of these things, and more.
But that's not the gift I'm talking about.
This gift is much more subtle and may seem to be a curse at first.
I believe she will only be able to rid herself of her demons, and hopefully her BPD as well, when she's ready to confront the abuse of her father. If she can put the blame where it belongs, she may stop projecting that victim/perpetrator cycle on the present men in her life. These demons are a metaphor for the purgatory she has created for herself. That reality has consequences in the real world, but it need not be real in the tangible sense. Exorcising her demons will require the expenditure of real physical energy and probably the destruction of aspects of her personality. If this ever happens, and it's possible but not probable, then these demons will evaporate. They are only as real as one's personality is real. In short, reality is not the question, it's what you make of the things you feel to be real.