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Self-esteem is so important when parenting a child with mental illness. "Mom, I'm abnormal." I froze. as my son said this on the way home from my father's house. After yet ANOTHER difficult conversation with my father about my son's abilities and capabilities, Bob said this on the way home from my father's house. Bob's self-esteem took a hit.
Self-Esteem Shot Down
Bob forgot there was no after-school today and went there anyway instead of staying at school in their program. My father made a big stink about Bob forgetting that and barely acknowledged that Bob did the right thing by calling me and him. Instead of telling Bob what a good job he did, my father fixated only on Bob's forgetfulness. I felt SO bad for Bob. How do you respond when your child says he or she is "abnormal?" How do you help improve your child's self-esteem especially around his or her mental health diagnosis. Here's what I did.
When it comes to mental healthcare, ours is a golden age indeed. Short centuries ago, strange rangers like me would have seen the business end of society’s wrath and suffered mightily. Options included being tortured until cured, or dead, whichever came first, being burned at the stake until cured, or dead, whichever came first, stoning, caning, sarcasm, and ostracism to the far flung hinterlands where jackals stole what little food was available and rendered sleep impossible with their endless howling.
Today, mental health marches across the landscape spreading chuckles, mirth, merriment, guffaws, smirks, chortles, wry little smiles, deep appreciation for the little things of life, and bills. Freedom from the bondage of whackadoomiousness ain’t free, we know that, but most of us are quick to point out that it’s cheap at twice the price – after all, the alternative is intolerable. And so, with global endorsement, lavish funding, and society’s imprimatur, one would imagine that mental healthcare is making tremendous gains, and it is, but not uniformly.
In one of my recent blog posts, The Best Way to Quit Using Drugs, I discussed various means in which an individual could try to arrest his/her addiction. In response to the article, I had two readers comment with opposing points of view. One raised the point that treatments like Suboxone (Buprenorphine) and Methadone have been used to help treat addiction to opioids. The other reader had a more abstinence-based response and stated that one needs to address his/her addiction by kicking the habit “cold turkey.”
I came across this survey from 5 years ago that nearly knocked me right off my chair.
“In a 2008 survey conducted on behalf of the Canadian Medical Association, nearly half (46 per cent) of those polled believed that mental illness isn’t always “real” but rather an excuse for poor behaviour and personal failings.”
It’s an interesting question, isn’t it? You have a life-altering illness that affects the very way your brain works. Do you actually have to tell people that? Do you have to tell people you have bipolar disorder?
Well, like with everything in life, it depends.
The fear caused by abuse is an emotion that can stick with you during abuse and after the abusive relationship is over too. One of the hardest things to look at during or after an abusive relationship is the mental and emotional damage the abuse caused in us. We remember who we were before the abuse and may feel like a sad shell of that person after it. It is scary and heart-breaking. You may feel more defenseless, helpless and hopeless than before you knew your partner abused you. After all, now you fight your mind as well as the abuse your (ex) partner inflicts.
You will never change your partner. You are already their target for abuse, and once you are the target it is difficult if not impossible to change back into "you" in their eyes. However, you can change yourself. You can change your thoughts, your feelings, and the way your brain is wired. But remember, although "change" is something that can happen to you, if you want to heal from abuse, change must be something you DO.
Memory problems are not owned by those of us who live with Adult ADHD, but our disorder can certainly exacerbate things. For me, to be frank, my ears don't always work too good! That's why I write, write, write. Taking notes is one of my number one coping mechanisms to accommodate for my lack of auditory endurance - aka I drift off when people are talking and taking notes provides both a way to stay on task and a way to review later what the heck my teachers, friends etc were talking about.
Shoulda, Coulda, Woulda...
Those of us dealing with mental illness in our families can't help but occasionally compare where we are to "what might have been." It's human nature, I suppose. While comparison can be inspiring, it can also lead to needless disappointment. And we have had quite enough of that, thank you.
In my most Zen frame of mind, I am happy for others whose children are on their way to six-figure-incomes and a life with a clear timetable for success, love, and growth. In my not-so-Zen moments, I allow myself that twinge of jealousy. For my son Ben can no more help his schizophrenia than I can stop a blizzard.
My mantra for returning to Zennish state, after processing human emotion:
"It is what it is."
But that is not so easy when the human emotion is grief.
Once upon a time, in a land called Bryn Mawr, PA, I was afraid to stand up for my adult ADHD needs. I was first diagnosed my sophomore year and started to receive testing accommodations for my fall semester finals. It was so difficult to accept my adult ADHD diagnosis and even more difficult that I needed something extra to perform at the same level as everyone else. It made me feel less than.
Recently, Karl Shallowhorn of our Debunking Addiction blog wrote a post called, Am I An Alcoholic? This got me to thinking about another question that people ask: Am I mentally ill?
This is a good question. It’s a good question because, by and large, people don’t want to be considered “mentally ill” so they want to know if they meet the definition.
I believe she will only be able to rid herself of her demons, and hopefully her BPD as well, when she's ready to confront the abuse of her father. If she can put the blame where it belongs, she may stop projecting that victim/perpetrator cycle on the present men in her life. These demons are a metaphor for the purgatory she has created for herself. That reality has consequences in the real world, but it need not be real in the tangible sense. Exorcising her demons will require the expenditure of real physical energy and probably the destruction of aspects of her personality. If this ever happens, and it's possible but not probable, then these demons will evaporate. They are only as real as one's personality is real. In short, reality is not the question, it's what you make of the things you feel to be real.